Game of Heathers

I just realized that Heathers, yes the movie, fits really well into Game of Thrones. Yes, really. Think of it like this:

You have Heather Lannister, Heather Baratheon, and Heather Greyjoy and then poor Veronica Stark. Meanwhile everyone is afraid of the new kid Slater Targaryen. Now, I haven’t read ahead or anything but I really hope Veronica blows up King’s Landing.

Also I want to reshoot Heathers with Heather Lannister’s brother Tyrion involved.

But anyway! Yeah. Heather Stark moves to King’s Landing, and she hates it. It’s run by this clique of Heathers. Well, you know how this story goes. Slater is feared, he’s known as Dragon Boy, and hooks up with Ronnie. They manage to accidently kill Heather Baratheon (well Ronnie thinks it’s an accident at first) and now the wheels start to come off.

Also – late in the movie the God of Tits and Wine shows up.

But really, come on, admit this to yourself and to me – Heathers works as Game of Thrones far too well. Which really means that GoT is, quietly, just a teen romance black comedy disguised as something far bigger. But now you’ll never unsee it.

You’re welcome.

What Ticketmaster fees are used for.

I love going to concerts. I mean music is one of the big highlights of my life, of my every breathing day, so going to go see people play music live is always amazing. Music, music, music.

Recently I got tickets to go see one of my favorite bands (Flogging Molly). They are great in studio but even better live. I try to see them every time they are in NY, which is about once a year. None of this is my point.

My point is that this year the Ticketmaster fees were 1/4 of the total price. Quite seriously, a full 25% of the final price was all Ticketmaster “fees” which leaves me asking myself what these fees could possibly be. So I made a list.

A List Of Possible Reasons for/Uses for Ticketmaster Fees:

* Fees used to buy a zoo / feed resulting animals.

* Executives are building a life-sized papercraft moon. Out of money.

* Fees burned as tribute to Korrok.

* This is what pays for Honey Boo-Boo, you fools. This!

* The British didn’t lose the war, guys, they simply were all “Ha, no tea tax, ey? Fucking right, let’s tax tickets instead, bastard Colonies,” and we never caught on.

* Fees used to continue to pay down Prince’s Ruffle debt.

* Each fee is preserved in amber to show future generations exactly how fucking stupid we were when it came to being willing to pay anonymous fees.

I don’t know, but I think it must be at least one of these.

S.H.I.E.L.D. – the theme

So with Joss Whedon poised to do a S.H.I.E.L.D. TV show I figgered one good cost saving measure would be to reuse the Firefly theme and just change around the words some. Well, then I thought I’d be helpful, see, and do it for them. So, below, is the new S.H.I.E.L.D. theme:

Take my Cube, remake the land
Take me where only A.I.M. can stand
I don’t care, I’m still free
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

Kill me off, try that tack
Tell them I ain’t comin’ back
Replace me with an LMD
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

Leave my flyin’ car where it lay
It won’t never see another day
Lost clearance, blew the scheme
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

I feel Hydra reaching out
And Zodiac’s song without a doubt
I still hear and I still see
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

Lost sight of Dum-Dum Dugan
Howlin’ Commandos on the run.
There’s no place I can be
Since I’ve found Nick Fury.

And you can’t take Helicarriers from me.

————

I’m not sorry.

In Sound From Way Out

On my desk at the day job I still have my radio. This is a double cassette deck / CD / radio I got in ’93. It hasn’t been used in about three years but it still works. Except the CD player. That’s kinda iffy, honestly. It has an AKIRA sticker on top. This was my only radio from ’93-’99 and then when I took this job it ended up on my desk and was the office sound machine for many years until we switched to Pandora on a communal machine.

Today I was joking about it with a coworker and absently popped the cassette decks open. And there was, in Deck 1, a tape. and I looked at it and smiled.

It is still one of the best releases ever. I have long since replaced my copy, and the only thing I have that plays cassettes is this one radio no my desk still (why is it still here – no one knows, but it is).

I should put it back, for emergency Funk reasons.

Posers.

I’ve seen a bunch of anger toward “posers” recently and I don’t get it. There are people getting mad because people are pretending to like something only because it is cool to like it, but they don’t really like it or get it. And that’s… bad?

How – that’s my problem – how is it bad?

If you like something you want it to do well, to succeed and thrive. More people spending money on it, talking about it, drawing focus to it bring that all home. They make the thing you love better funded and better accepted. They widen its base and spread it around.

But they don’t really like it, and so that’s bad.

Because the thing you like getting bigger is a horrible idea.

If you like something, if you truly enjoy it and want it to live, you want it to grow bigger. And that means more people looking at it. I don’t care if you somehow feel special because it is this little unknown thing in a closet just for you and your friends. That’s the way this shit dies early, by being kept hidden away. So – choose – do you want it to thrive or want it to fail? And if the answer is thrive then grow up!

Because according to you a “poser” is someone who is faking enjoyment of a thing. What you really mean is: They don’t enjoy it “enough” according to you, Grand Master Of How Much People Like Things.

I mean really. You wouldn’t want someone telling you you are enjoying things “wrong” would you? But you feel free to say it to other people.

“Oh no, this person here says they like Street Fighter but they don’t even know all the character names!”

Uhm. So the fuck what? You can like something and not obsess over it. You can like something and just, you know, like it.

You do not get to decide how much anyone else likes something, anymore than they can judge you for it.

Some people have to know every detail of a thing they like. Some don’t. It’s all fine! Look, me just kinda enjoying a thing you are hardcore into doesn’t weaken your enjoyment! It doesn’t make the thing you love any less of a thing. It just means I like it, but differently. And that is all right. It really is.

Deciding people are posers is elitist bullshit, the kind of stuff that most people outgrow around 7th grade. Get with it. Move along. Grow up. Let people enjoy things however much or little they enjoy them and understand it doesn’t affect your enjoyment of that thing one tiny bit. And then be thankful for the so-called posers – for helping that thing you love stay alive. Thank them! Your petty, twisted, selfish love isn’t enough.

These guys, the ones you think don’t care enough to obsess – they help a ton. Deal with it. And stop telling other people what they can and can’t like and how much they have to like something to be valid. Doing that is why we can’t have nice things. Seriously – you guys are the problem.

Interview: David Brothers

I’ve been a fan of David Brothers’ writing (about comics and music and, hell, whatever is in his brain really) for a while now (at Comicsalliance, 4thLetter and more). So, the other week, I decided the hell with it and asked him if he’d answer a few questions. He said yes, and so here we are. I’m really pleased I can present this interview with him.

Adam P Knave: There are really two things I’d like to focus on here: Your love of comics and of music. They’re different and yet the same. You talk about them both with such love and respect. What were some of your first comics and albums that you remember ingesting and thinking “Yes! This is something!” – the ones that changed you.

David Brothers: I don’t think I’ve had many of those lightning from heaven moments. I usually decide that something is ~something~ after reading and considering for a while. Though, in thinking about it… Emma Rios’s backup in Prophet 26 hit me like a ton of bricks, as did Inio Asano’s solanin.

But yeah, I don’t really have those moments where I sit down and realize that something is amazing and changed my life. The stuff that actually changed my life, like Company Flow’s Funcrusher Plus, Cannibal Ox’s The Cold Vein, Nas’s Illmatic, Milestone’s Static, Spider-Man, all that stuff, I only realized it was life-changing and amazing in hindsight. They crawled under my skin and set up shop in my brain subtly rather than immediately.

The first tape I remember owning was either DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince’s He’s The DJ, I’m The Rapper, which I still spin every month or so, or one of those old Sesame Street compilations. I think it had Kermit’s Kokomo and It’s Not Easy Being Green alongside Big Bird’s song about the alphabet. The first comics were Amazing Spider-Man 316 and 317, with 321 and 322 coming soon after. They were great, in the way that everything that is yours is great when you’re a kid.
Continue reading Interview: David Brothers

Pop Culture Is Dead

Please note: This was originally supposed to the be the end of the show I just did. So it’s a bit way long when written out and may be a bit rambly. I’ve edited it down some and tried to make sure it seems focused but you’ve been warned…

I was talking about Saved by the Bell the other day. And well, thinking about it really brings something home for me. First of all, we really need to stop making live-action TV shows with minors, because there has never been a cast, I think, on earth, that was not horribly scarred by this. Neil Patrick Harris survived. We can maybe call Danny Bonaduce a survivor NOW, but that’s about as far as you get.

Diff’rent Strokes, of course, were all criminals at one point, or on drugs, or both. And, funny story, Diff’rent Strokes, the two black kids, they’re did all right in the end, mostly. White girl? Dead of an overdose. That’s the reality of Diff’rent Strokes for you right there.

Punky Brewster, I don’t know whatever happened to her. She got tits, that’s the last thing I heard, maybe she was swallowed by them, I don’t know, haven’t heard much about her.

Winnie Cooper went on to get a degree in math. Her and Neil Patrick Harris should little have survivor clone babies together.

But, man, most of these shows, and you look back at Saved By The Bell — you have Dustin Diamond, who, of course, has become Dustin Diamond, which is not a fate I’d wish on most people I meet. Then you have Elizabeth Berkley who thought she’d have a movie career if only she’d stripped hard enough, and was proven wrong by the universe… not that all of us didn’t figure that one out early, but she had to prove it to herself.

So, we really do need to stop putting minors in TV shows because no good comes of it.
Continue reading Pop Culture Is Dead

What Kind Of Day Has It Been

So the show last night… how did that go?

Wait, let me back up. My flight out of JFK left on time (surprise) and arrived early (surprise!) and with construction and traffic warnings Juliana realized it would be faster for me to grab MARTA to get to her. This made sense to me. So I grabbed MARTA.

Which was fine. I mean it was MARTA so it was clunky and confused, but fine. Until “track problems” near Buckhead. We were told, you see, there were “track problems” – the problem seemed to be that they didn’t know how to use their own tracks. Two trains ahead of us and we couldn’t go before they moved. This was explained to us. As if refusing to hit another train was some amazing new idea they had just worked out for themselves.

Past that they were down to only one track for both directions. Ahhh yes, that might be your track problem, folks.

Anyway. About thirty minutes later we were moving.
Continue reading What Kind Of Day Has It Been

Moves Like Carlton

My friend BriBri is a good guy. He’s just also… well, remember Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Carlton? Yeah. That’s Brian. He’s kinda gooftastic and awkward and got beat up by a little Swiss kid once and… I realized he needed a theme song. So I rewrote one into existance for him.

MOVES LIKE CARLTON

Just buy some new cars
If it feels right
Then Geoffrey can start
IF he feels like
And wash them all day, make it okay
I swear he’ll buff right

Will wanted control
But we waited
I put on a show
Now he’ll see it
He says I’m a kid
My ego is big
I don’t give a shit
And I goes like this

[Chorus]
Take me by the sweater
And I’ll know you
Conseratives don’t drink
But I’ll show you

You want the moves like Carlton
I’ve got the moves like Carlton
I’ve got the mooooooves… like Carlton

I don’t need try to control you
Watch my dancing and I’ll own you

With them the moves like Carlton
I’ve got the moves like Carlton
I’ve got the mooooooves… like Carlton