So Attila was telling me about something and he included a bit that sparked something else in my head and so now I present to you the hit T.V. find of the day week month year decade – CSI: Metallica

Starring:
Detective James Hetfield – Lead Vocals / Rhythm Guitar / Forensic Anthropology
Detective Lars Ulrich – Drums / Criminalistics
Detective Kirk Hammett – Lead Guitar / Vocals / Digital Forensics
Detective Robert Trujillo – Bass / Vocals / Forensic Entomology

Hetfield: All right boys, what’ve we got?

Ulrich: I think it was illegal downloaders, man.
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Some mornings are harder than others. Sometimes even 16oz of Red Bull doesn’t really cut through the fog. Then again this particular fog has been hanging low over me since sometime Saturday. Which could mean that my crappy sleep schedule is messing with me extra shittily the last few days, or I’ve gone around the bend and am now on the crazy train to senile.

Given that I’m a cranky old man, I’m betting against the sleep schedule.

So when I start to drool and curse all you motherfuckers out and wave a stick around, claiming that “Gertie the Stick here will teach y’all a lesson,” oh wait, that just means it’s Tuesday, doesn’t it? Shit.

Well fuck us all sideways and six times on Easter, I guess we’re stuck. I’ll continue to just go crazy over here and you guys golf clap and score it over there, I suppose. Like always, you know? Nothing fancy.

Hey Maverick?

Yeah Goose?

Now, this is the story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

In west Philadelphia born and raised on the playground was where you spent most of your days chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool and all shootin some b-ball outside of school. When a couple of guys who were up to no good startin making trouble in your neighborhood. You got in one little fight and your mom got scared she said ‘You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air.’
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Last week I told you about Rock Sugar. Some of you had already heard of them, some hadn’t and I think in the week between then and now a whole lot more of you have heard of them. Which is, frankly, awesome.

So what’s new since the last time I mentioned the band? Well, for one thing I have a copy of the CD to review for you. Which I will get to in a second. For another thing, I will be interviewing the band sometime soon. Turns out they are just as cool as you might think from hearing their music.

Speaking of their music, let’s talk about it. At length…
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World, I bring you news of a band you need to know about. A band so awesome, so strange and so wonderful that to not know it is to know only sadness. I’m talking about Rock Sugar.

Now on their site they have a whole story about the band, a great fake history. And that’s great for what it is but let’s cut to the chase. Rock Sugar takes 80s metal songs and then uses 80s pop songs for the lyrics. Mostly. Sometimes its mash-ups of two or three songs, and so on. They don’t limit themselves. The thing is they play the songs and sing them. This isn’t a DJ remixing an awesome mash-up. This is a band playing its heart out and selling the fuck out of this madness.

Let me give you an example, and then after the video we’ll continue this discussion:

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So Christopher Lee is going to release a metal concept album. According to Geeks of Doom: Charlemagne, which will be released on March 15, 2010, is a concept album about King Charlemagne, the First Holy Roman Emperor.

Here’s a sample:

Some more about the album: “The Carandinis, Lee’s maternal ancestors, were given the right to bear the coat of arms of the Holy Roman Empire by the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa. Through his Carandini ancestors, Christopher Lee has a direct link to Charlemagne, and has decided for the first time in his life to pay homage to his distinguished ancestor, who is credited as “The Father of Europe”.

Charlemagne is a concept album with original words and symphonic metal music.

Composer Marco Sabiu, best known for his collaborations with Kylie Minogue, Take That, Pavarotti, Morricone, has created a truly epic canvas by introducing modern metal symphonies, in a style which resembles a movie score. Marie-Claire Calvet, a graduate from Bristol University, transports the listener into “The Dark Ages”, with a very powerful storyline and mesmerising lyrics. A full orchestra, heavy metal musicians, choir and special guest vocalists bring the legend of Charlemagne to life.”

So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna take the first verses of three different song and then we’ll translate each into French, Italian and Japanese with Google Translate. So It will go: English –> French –> Italian –> Japanese –> English. Then we’ll see what we end up with. It might improve the songs in question.

Original
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung

After translation hell
I like big butts and I lie
There is no denying the other brothers can not
Walk with the size of the cobble that time hooters girl
And what round your face
Spring also get

Original
Stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly

After translation hell
Stop listening to cooperate
Ice is my brand new invention
How do I get a tight hold
Flows, grains every day, like the night

Original
Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere

After translation hell
Only one of two small town girl, living in the world solo
She was midnight train anywhere
Just city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
She was midnight train anywhere

Well Journey comes out the closest to what it started as. I don’t know what that says about Don’t Stop Believin’ but it must say something, right?

This is, I must say, all Sweetney’s fault. For the record an’ shit.

(to the tune, obviously, of “On A Boat”)

Aww shit
Get your routers ready it’s about to go down (intertubes, yeah)
Everybody in the place hit the fuckin’ net (intertubes, yeah)
But stay on your motherfuckin’ toes
We runnin’ this, let’s go

I’m in some tubes (I’m in some tubes)
I’m in some tubes (I’m in some tubes)
Everybody look at me cause I’m coding up some perl (data in some tubes)
I’m in some tubes (I’m in some tubes)
I’m in some tubes
Do a hard refresh of those motherfuckin’ tubes (intertubes, yeah)

I’m in some tubes motherfucker take a look at me
Straight coding down the tubes compiling some CG
Bustin’ five gig, Google showin’ me some boobs
You can’t stop me motherfucker cause I’m in some tubes

Scan a picture, upload, I’m in some tubes, bitch (bitch)
We using Firefox champ, cause it’s so swift (swift)
I got my telnet, and my bit torrent feeds
I’m trollin’ /b/, you watching Nic Cage yellin’ ’bout some bees

I’m writin’ unicorn fanfic, writin’ slash and shit
The forums screamin’, gettin e’rybody all wet
But this ain’t Your Base, this is real as it gets
I’m in some tubes motherfucker, don’t you ever forget

I’m in some tubes and, it’s goin fast and
I got a Dancing Baby themed hand-made mousepad
I’m the king of the net, in some tubes like Mitnick
If you’re on the AOL, then you’re sho’ not me-oh
{Get the fuck up, these tubes are REAL!!!}

Fuck real life, I’m in some tubes, motherfucker (motherfucker)
Fuck trees, I steal CDs, motherfucker (motherfucker)
I’m in the tubes with my boys, motherfucker (yeah)
These case fans make noise, motherfucker

Hey ma, if you could see me now (see me now)
Ass spread wide on the internet now (goatse now)
Government lying ’bout the moon somehow (moon somehow)
Like Bill Gates, anything is possible

Yeah, never thought I’d be in the tubes
Got a big ol’ forum feud (yeah)
Steve Jobs!! Look at me, oh (all hands on Macs)
Never thought I’d see the day
When Gig tubes comin’ my way
Believe me when I say, I in WOW I played a mermaid

I’m in some tubes (I’m in some tubes)
I’m in some tubes (I’m in some tubes)
Everybody look at me cause I’m coding up some perl (data in some tubes)
I’m in some tubes (I’m in some tubes)
I’m in some tubes
Do a hard refresh of those motherfuckin’ tubes (intertubes, yeah)

No, they’re not kidding. The “Christian side hug” – because “front hugs is sinful.” Yep. Did you know if you hug someone normally you will end up fucking them? NOW YOU KNOW!

Also they’re “Rough riders, filled up with Christ’s love,” if you were curious.

These are the easy rules so pay attention, it’s essential
This ain’t no front hug zone. You ain’t that fly (something).
Stop. And listen. No front hugs and no kissin’.

Not much to say today, honestly. Kinda caught under the gun here and will be spending most of the next five days writing at speed. So for now, for the few who haven’t seen it, Muppet Bohemian Rhapsody. Henson Studios had a bit of fun. Enjoy.

First off: Christian Dumais takes time away from writing awesome short stories and reviews Stays Crunchy in Milk at his site. Tomorrow there will be an interview.

He says “Stays Crunchy in Milk is one of the year’s best literary surprises.” See that? I’m a surprise and literary! Wait. What? Hmm. Does that mean I leapt out of a big cake made of Joyce? Who knows! But go read the review and then buy the book. It makes a great holiday gift.

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I have a friend who lives in a small town. I mean small. Like tiny. Like small small town. And I got this email, from said friend: “Did you know if you use the words “Egregious Civil Rights Violation” in a town board meeting, you’ll get a call from the town attorney that very night?”

My gut reaction was typed into my reply. I couldn’t stop myself: “Did he try to ban dancing? Do they do that in small towns? I’ve seen Foot Loose, I know how these things work!”

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More later.