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Taco Bell isn’t meat based

January 25, 2011 news 7 comments

I know this can’t come as a surprise to any of us but via MSNBC:

An Alabama law firm claims in a lawsuit that Taco Bell is using false advertising when it refers to using “seasoned ground beef” or “seasoned beef” in its products.

The meat mixture sold by Taco Bell restaurants contains binders and extenders and does not meet the minimum requirements set by the U.S. Department of Agriculture to be labeled as “beef,” according to the legal complaint.

Yeah. Why would this surprise anyone I don’t know but now that it is out and about with hard facts, man…

wait, how much of it is or isn’t meat, anyway? “Attorney Dee Miles said attorneys had Taco Bell’s “meat mixture” tested and found it contained less that 35 percent beef.”

Let me repeat that: Less than 35% beef.

The rest of the material is, apparently, “stuff” – that’s the scientific term for it. Stuff. I hear they also add “things” to go with the “stuff.” In fact, the only thing they forgot to add, it seems, is the actual beef. Christ.

Worse, if you dare read the comments under the article you will find people defending Taco Bell! Going on about how they don’t care they just want their fake meat tacos and shit and why should we prosecute these poor shit vendors for making claims about content? How dare we!

Yeah. So there’s that, then. America – we brought it on ourselves.

U.S.’s first drive-through sex toy shop.

November 12, 2010 news, oh the places you'll go No comments

Welcome to the first sex toy shop in America to offer drive-through service! Yep, Pleasures will be opening three drive-through lanes at its newest store on University drive in Huntsville, Alabama.

What’s that, you say? Doesn’t Alabama still have laws against sex toys? Well, yes. Though the owner of Pleasures is also famous for fighting that law. But that’s why Pleasures is called a “One stop romance shop” and an “upscale romance boutique.”

So in one fell swoop Alabama manages to be the most backward state regarding vibrators and the most progressive! How wonderfully odd is that? Mind you there are a few oddities because of the laws there. As an article at al.com notes:

But Alabama law also makes an exception to the ban on the sale of items designed for the “stimulation of human genital organs” if the sale was for “a bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial or law enforcement purpose.”

Williams said customers cannot purchase a sex toy unless they fill out a medical questionnaire describing the health-related reasons for their purchase.

But we’re moving away from the point. And the point is three lane sex toy drive-through! Items will be passed over in a brown paper bag, at the drive-through window, of course. I mean, you can now go get booze, guns, burgers, lube and anal beads all without having to leave your car.

I love America.

Bob Guccione, RIP (The P stands for Porn)

October 21, 2010 celeb, news 4 comments

Bob Guccione died. It’s tempting to be dismissive or make fun of it. I mean, the guy built an empire of porn, right? But look at what he did with it…

He took Penthouse further than anyone had taken porno mags at the time. He pushed boundaries and made enemies and, well yes, some seriously bad investments. Still, he went as graphic as he could get away with and then took extra steps past the line.

At a time when Playboy was showing what we think of now as tame pictorials, Guccione kept going well past what was considered good taste, straight into the realm of filth. And it sold.

That’s important, people. Bob Guccionne was the 4Chan of print porn. If your mag showed tits (or else it GTFO) then Guccionne would show you crotches. If you showed a crotch he would print up some urination pictures. If you tried to match that he would go for penetration. The man would not give up. If there was porn to go for he would go for it.

That’s no small feat!

That shit is SRSBIDNIZ!

In so many way, the internet owes a lot to Guccione, porn-wise. So remember him today, maybe watch a bit of porn and be thankful. Well. Maybe not thankful, per say. More like… naw, fuck it. Be thankful. He would’ve loved that, hated it and tried to charge you for it all at the same time.

The economy as explained through Batman, bears and manticores.

August 25, 2010 news, political One comment

So every time we give stimulus money to corporations they hoard it because if they didn’t have it to hoard they would lose money, instead of, you know, spending the money on new employees so those people could have jobs and make money to spend and infuse the whole economy. And I realized I could phrase it in terms of Batman. If this confuses you, replace “Batman” with “Consumer confidence”:

“Without this money we can’t afford Batman!”

“We had Batman?”

“He was protecting the streets. You, uhhh, just couldn’t see him because he’s Batman.”

“But were we safer?”

“Well, of course we were. He’s Batman!”

“But can you prove that?”

“Batman!”

“So, no?”

“If you want to get rid of Batman, fine, we will. But then you won’t have any Batman to protect you.”

“Can we even prove he was here?”

“Hello? Batman! If you saw him then he wouldn’t be Batman, would he?”

It’s much like the MTA’s scare tactics in fare hikes. First they give you a fare hike warning. Then they “accidentally leak” a notice about a way worse fare hike. When everyone flips out about it they recant the extra scary one, hoping you’ll be all “Whew” about the first fare hike. Like this:

“We’re going to put wild bears in your living room.”

“WHAT?!”

“All right. No bears. Manticores.”

“WAIT, WHAT?!”

“Oh, you don’t want the manticores?”

“Who the fuck wants a manticore?!”

“Well. I suppose we can just put the bears in your living room instead.”

“Can we put neither? Is neither an option?”

“I got bears and I got manticores.”

“This isn’t… wait, didn’t I just approve Batman? To you? Isn’t this were Batman comes and saves me?”

“He hates bears.”

“Batman hates bears?”

“And manticores. You’re on your own. So. Choose.”

Yes. Economics as explained by Batman, bears and manticores.

Hoopless?

August 18, 2010 news, wtf?! One comment

Welcome to Las Vegas! You can carry your drink in hand on the street. You can legally call up an escort. You can gamble your life savings away. But, quite possibly, soon you won’t be able to hoop.

Well. Sort of.

You won’t be able to hoop in a small five block section of downtown called Freemont. It seems there are a lot of people there hooping and blocking traffic. And furthermore it isn’t just about hooping. They also want to crackdown on juggling and amplified bullhorn use in the area. The Fremont Street Experience would be locked down so only people who work for the Fremont Street Experience , LLC would be able to do stuff there.

Yet federal courts have ruled that the mall is a public square and have struck down every prior effort to ban protesting, panhandling, leafleting, entertaining or conducting business on the mall as infringements of First Amendment rights. The plaza was built over a road, Fremont Street, and the American Civil Liberties Union of Nevada has persuaded judge after judge that it cannot be regulated any more than activities in parks or on sidewalks can.

“The argument they use is that free speech is bad for business and we need to protect business,” ACLU attorney Allen Lichtenstein told AOL News. “The courts have repeatedly said that while business is important, it cannot trump constitutional rights. I don’t know how much clearer they can make it.”

I love it. I mean, outside of the craziness involved, I just love the idea of people getting pissed about this. “You there! Stop hula hooping! You, sir, stop juggling! This is a place of business, not a place to have fun!” It gets even better when you place that in Vegas, doesn’t it?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas – unless it’s hula hoops and juggling, in which case it can get the fuck out!

You do realize this is just the first stage in a plan to get rid of clowns and mimes, right?

They came first for the hula hoopers,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a hula hooper.

Then they came for the jugglers,
and I didn’t speak up because I couldn’t juggle.

Then they came for the clowns,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a clown.

Then they came for me, a mime
and by that time no one was left to speak up.
And I didn’t speak up for myself, because I was a mime.

This also sounds like the plot to Hot Fuzz, doesn’t it?

Frank Butterman: On the eve of the adjudicator’s arrival, some travelers moved into Callaghan Park. Before you could say ‘gypsy scum’ we were knee-deep in dog muck, thieving kids and crusty jugglers. We lost the title. And Irene lost her mind.

Fucking Vegas. What the shit.

(source)

Man oh mannequin.

August 9, 2010 news 3 comments

Oh, West Virginia. It seems a man was arrested yesterday in Booker T. Washington Memorial Park. He was caught jerking off with an armless mannequin.

No, really. The deputies caught him sitting on a bench, shirtless, with his pants around his ankles. He was holding an armless mannequin on his lap with one hand while the other hand was… busy.

It would seem that when the cop identified himself as a police officer, the man shoved the mannequin off of himself and pulled his pants up. He’s now in jail for indecent exposure.

There might also be a related change for pleasuring yourself while thinking of an old Kim Cattrall movie from the 80s, but maybe not. She had arms in the film. And that’s what I want to know. Why was it armless? Was it a matter of that was the only mannequin he could find or did it being armless somehow help him get there? Did the mannequin have a wig on, and did it matter to him? Did it have legs? These are the questions that will keep me up at night.

The CMSCR

June 29, 2010 humor, kf, news 3 comments

So you all remember the Magical Penis Thieves right? Harper’s did a great story on it in 2008, for those who don’t recall. I’ll quote a bit here for you:

No one is entirely sure when magical penis loss first came to Africa. One early incident was recounted by Dr. Sunday Ilechukwu, a psychiatrist, in a letter some years ago to the Transcultural Psychiatric Review. In 1975, while posted in Kaduna, in the north of Nigeria, Dr. Ilechukwu was sitting in his office when a policeman escorted in two men and asked for a medical assessment. One of the men had accused the other of making his penis disappear. This had caused a major disturbance in the street. As Ilechukwu tells it, the victim stared straight ahead during the examination, after which the doctor pronounced him normal. “Exclaiming,” Ilechukwu wrote, “the patient looked down at his groin for the first time, suggesting that the genitals had just reappeared.”

So you know. Magical junk removers. It’s a concept.

Fears of magical penis loss were not limited to the Orient. The Malleus Maleficarum, medieval Europeans’ primary guidebook to witches and their ways, warned that witches could cause one’s membrum virile to vanish, and indeed several chapters were dedicated to this topic. Likewise the Compendium Maleficarum warned that witches had many ways to affect one’s potency, the seventh of which included “a retraction, hiding or actual removal of the male genitals.” (This could be either a temporary or a permanent condition.) Even in the 1960s, there were reports of Italian migrant workers in Switzerland panicking over a loss of virility caused by witchcraft.

And then I started to think. Recently, I mean, not back in 2008. Actually I don’t think I thought anything in all of 2008, but I could be wrong. Regardless, I started to think, recently, that the Magical Penis Thieves have counterparts in America. Specifically Hollywood.

I’m talking, of course, about the Magical Tit Fairies. You know them. All of the actresses who are surprised: “I didn’t get breast implants!” and yet they’ve suddenly gone from a small B to more Fs than you can shake a Baldwin at. Maybe they’re telling the truth. You know, in the same way the victims of penis theft are.

Anyway, once I realized that the Magical Penis Thieves had counterparts in the Magical Tit Fairies I then had to wonder where they came from, where they live – what would their natural environment be? Then I realized – Canada.

Yup. Ottawa maybe. Land of the Magical Penis Thieves and Magical Tit Fairies. A magical land, indeed. They can go there and relax, frolicking with their excess tits and wangs. It’s a wonderful place or mystery, the Canadian Magical Sexual Characteristic Reserve. The CMSCR, or Titwang for short, is the sort of place you expect them to erect (no pun intended) a theme park. But they never will. Because they need to keep their existence a secret from the rest of the world.

That doesn’t really matter. What matters here is that if you wind up one day with more, or less, of something along those lines – it’s in Canada. Go get it back.

Man, the tourist board is gonna love me. The “Reason for visit” field on customs forms is gonna turn epic.

No, really, go to Canada. Get your junk back – or return some junk. Whatever. Go for it. It’ll be fiiiine. Just go to a customs agent and tell them you know what they’re up to and that you need to go to Titwang this instant. Titwang. Repeat it until he helps you. This way he’ll know you know and will let you through.

Titwang.

BP is actually helping us.

May 31, 2010 humor, news 3 comments

Did you know that BP is actually doing the world a kindness by letting the oil spill out into the Gulf? It’s true. Here are just a few of the reasons why:

* If we poison enough water, we can kill the Kraken before someone calls for it. Awww, yeah! Us – 1, legendary sea monsters – 0

* Let’s see Atlantis attack us now that we can set their sky on fire. Take that, surface-hating sea-suckers.

* Evolution is being helped. See, if we coat every sea creature in oil, the strong ones will survive and adapt. Then they’ll need an oil coating to survive, turning them into oil-finding fish and birds. Think about it! They’d seek it out for us!

* This is actually a spearhead attack from the future to help us win the Robot Uprising before it even starts. Thanks, future human race! Sure you’re besieged by evil metal overlords, but you still got our backs!

* The pipe was actually part of a super villains’ undersea lair. Guess who’s lair is all fucked up now? Booyah!

* Slow news day ever again? Report on the spill and have something to film and report on! They’re helping save the media as we know it!

* They’ve given us a new drinking game, really. Every time something goes extinct due to oil, take a drink!

* The Gulf has a secret portal to Oz. Maybe you didn’t know that, but BP does. They’re doing it for the Tin Man! Don’t worry, buddy! Oil Can is on the way!

* Fuck you, Jaws.

World’s. Strongest. Vagina.

May 5, 2010 news 11 comments

Let me introduce you to Tatiata Kozhevnikova. Tatiata has the world’s strongest vagina. No, seriously. The Guinness Book has entered her name, and genitalia I suppose, into their records. She entered the books lifting a 14-kg (about 30.8 lb) glass ball, which was attached by strong and hook to another glass ball that was, well, inside her.

Squeeze and lift.

Here is a work-safe video of her working out. Again, one glass ball tossed up towards her intestines with a hook on the end. Then a string and well… weights.

World’s Strongest Vagina. The more you know.

God left.

April 11, 2010 news, political 4 comments

Wait, what? “A bill in Connecticut’s legislature that would remove the statute of limitations on child sexual abuse cases has sparked a fervent response from the state’s Roman Catholic bishops, who released a letter to parishioners Saturday imploring them to oppose the measure.” (all quotes via CNN)

Could that be more damning? I mean could the Church possibly just come out and say that they’ve abused far too many people so they fear letting people talk?

“Under current Connecticut law, sexual abuse victims have 30 years past their 18th birthday to file a lawsuit. The proposed change to the law would rescind that statute of limitations.

The proposed change to the law would put “all Church institutions, including your parish, at risk,” says the letter, which was signed by Connecticut’s three Roman Catholic bishops.”

Why would it put them at risk? Why are they worried? Because so many of them abused children? They have to know, right? If they didn’t know about it they wouldn’t fear it would they? Maybe they just fear fake lawsuits?

“The bill has been revised to address some of the church’s concerns about frivolous abuse claims against it, according to Connecticut state Rep. Beth Bye, one of the bill’s sponsors.”

Well, sure. I guess maybe I can understand that. The Church doesn’t want to be the target of millions of cases of abuse, some of which are fake and have to shoulder all those court cases, given their tiny amounts of funding, right?

The Church, a system that is in no way supposedly dedicated to doing good and right and being a paragon of virtue wouldn’t want to help stop abuse with in their own walls at any cost, after all. That would just be silly.

“The bishops’ letter raised concerns that the bill would allow claims that are 70 years or older, in which “key individuals are deceased, memories have been faded, and documents and other evidence have been lost.” The letter said that the majority of cases would be driven by “trial lawyers hoping to profit from these cases.”"

I see. They’re concerned that the lawyers would just be after them. Not that they could help stop abuses inside their own doors, help some of their own flock that they’ve abused, or generally clean up their image. No. The Church is far more concerned about appearing on Judge Judy.

I truly don’t know if this could be more damning. Or more evil. Or more disgusting. Better yet they truly think they are doing God’s work. Look, if this is your house? If this behavior is what you think is right, protecting abusers is a good move and overall things are on the right course with shit like this? If this is your house and you think it is also God’s, there’s one thing you should know:

God left.

God left and He left because of the behavior and unacceptable actions of the people who did shit like this and then went out and preached all about how awesome they were and He was and everything else. That house you think is so grand and divine is empty and rotting from the inside out and all the Church is doing it grasping pathetic straws in an attempt to rearrange Apostles on the deck of the Titanic. And, frankly, anyone who stands with them in their attempts to whitewash the sexual abuse of children is just as damned as they are. End of story.

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