Well, we’re back.

We are that, Feldog. So what’s up this time? Saving the universe from the plans of your evil brother that no one knew about until just now?

I was thinking more along the lines of “Celebrity gossip” and less “Star Trek V”

What does God… need with a… spaceship?

What did… we… need with…. that crappy… script?

All right fine, bitch. Who’s up first?

Scarlett Johansson. She was, according to rumors, a total bitch on the set of Justin Timberlake’s new video.

Woa. Only rumors? Come on now, Feldog.

I know, ShatAttack. But PR-Inside says she denies them, but then reports them. Anyway they say that she was bitch and demanded to know why she couldn’t smoke when they had fire dancers on the set anyway.

She has a point. If she did it. Or said it, or whatever. And besides. It’s Scarlett Johansson. If she wants to smoke on set you ask if you can watch her lips work the filter. You don’t complain.

Right-o, Bill. And for all those anti-smokers who are going to want to bitch and moan about this? Find a real cause, for today at least. Thanks. Yes, it’s evil, horrible, bad, wretched… but she smokes and that’s her choice. Except on the set of a Timbersexy video.

There’s also speculation about those two now isn’t there?

J-Tim and ScarJo? Yeah. Word has it he’s putting his dick in her box, if ya follow.

The blind could follow that one, Feld. Let’s move on to Angelina Jolie. Have you heard this?

Which?

In an Elle interview she said: “I think I feel so much more for Mad and Z because they’re survivors, they came through so much. Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her… I met my other kids when they were six months old, they came with personality. A newborn really is this… yes, a blob! But now she’s starting to have a personality… I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs just because I think the others are more vulnerable.”

So where’s the problem?

Some people are saying “Oh look, she isn’t a holy saint she loves her adopted kids more.”

And those people are fucking idiots, Bill. Come on, this is a woman who seems to be perfectly honest. She feels more for these kids than for the one she had, because Shiloh was born into grace. And she’s a newborn so there’s no personality to latch onto. But she’s trying and she knows the problem and is doing her best.

If more parents were honest about shit like this…

Haim wouldn’t have happened.

Word. Anyway I think we might be out of time for now, Feldog.

So soon?

It’s heart breaking. But what does God… need with a…

Closing line! Until next time, folks! I’m, Cory Feldman.

And I’m Bill Shatner. And this has been Talking Heads.

On the first day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
A comment on my entry.

On the second day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

On the third day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Three chain letters chaining,
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

On the fourth day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Four furries dancing,
Three chain letters chaining,
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

On the fifth day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Five goatse.cx stretched,
Four furries dancing,
Three chain letters chaining,
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

On the sixth day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Six whining fan boys,
Five goatse.cx stretched,
Four furries dancing,
Three chain letters chaining,
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

On the seventh day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Seven wiki-entires,
Six whining fan boys,
Five goatse.cx stretched,
Four furries dancing,
Three chain letters chaining,
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

On the eighth day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Eight kitten pictures,
Seven wiki-entires,
Six whining fan boys,
Five goatse.cx stretched,
Four furries dancing,
Three chain letters chaining,
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

On the ninth day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Nine viral markets,
Eight kitten pictures,
Seven wiki-entires,
Six whining fan boys,
Five goatse.cx stretched,
Four furries dancing,
Three chain letters chaining,
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

On the tenth day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Ten YouTubes tubing,
Nine viral markets,
Eight kitten pictures,
Seven wiki-entires,
Six whining fan boys,
Five goatse.cx stretched,
Four furries dancing,
Three chain letters chaining,
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

On the eleventh day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Eleven emos cutting,
Ten YouTubes tubing,
Nine viral markets,
Eight kitten pictures,
Seven wiki-entires,
Six whining fan boys,
Five goatse.cx stretched,
Four furries dancing,
Three chain letters chaining,
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

On the twelfth day of Blogmas,
My true love gave to me
Twelve memes a posting,
Eleven emos cutting,
Ten YouTubes tubing,
Nine viral markets,
Eight kitten pictures,
Seven wiki-entires,
Six whining fan boys,
Five goatse.cx stretched,
Four furries dancing,
Three chain letters chaining,
Two porn stars feltching,
And a comment on my entry.

I’m not sure… chicken or fish?

I like fish. I really like fish.

But what if it’s bad fish?

Then we can have chicken! Chicken is yummy for my tummy!

Oooh! Oooh! Bird flu! Could we get bird flu from the chicken?

We aren’t Jews! Only Jews get bird flu!

Is that true though?

My happy juice tells me that it is true. So. Since we aren’t dirty evil Jews, we can have the chicken. YAY!

But maybe the fish…

The chicken laid eggs! We like eggs, too!

Oooh! Oooh! Salmonella!

See that waitress? Damn she’s hot!

What? What about the Salmonella?

What about the tits?!

We could get in trouble again.

Don’t be silly! The happy juice says no!

Salmonella! Arrest! Danger! Danger!

Shut it!

But…

Shut it! We’ll have the chicken, and her tits!

But…

QUIET!

Why do I suddenly want to eat chicken off of
that woman’s breasts? Huh.

Super-heroes are a funny lot. They vary greatly in power, respect and ability. None, however, is more daring, more amazing or more astounding than Arm-Fall-Off Boy.

Who is Arm-Fall-Off Boy, you ask? what secret does this dashing man of mystery hold? I’ll tell you.

Uhhh. None.

Back when the Legion of Super-Heroes was, well, a bit sillier, they had try-outs. The Legion try-outs were known for the absurd. Every other goofy comic book try-out is based, in part, on them. From Mystery Men to uhhh some other thing very much like it, yeah.

Arm-Fall-Off Boy is the pinnacle of this whole process.

Sure Infectious Lass sounds like a candidate. Maybe you think Color Kid is the oddest of the odd (the ability to, uhm, change the color of things isn’t exactly world shaking…) I don’t know. I just know you are wrong. For Arm-Fall-Off Boy is the best of the best. The coolest of the cool.

You see, if you didn’t get it, his arm falls off! Well, all right it doesn’t fall off so much as he tears it off. But he can turn his arm into a club, wielded by his other arm! He can use both arms this way, but I would think not at the same time. Still!

Versatility in limb removal, thy name is Arm-Fall-Off Boy!

With a powerful PLORP! his arm comes off! With a mighty KRAK! it hits the table and demonstrates his unending ability to tear off his arms and hit people with them. Sure, his shoulder looks like an asshole. No, I don’t know why his gloves are elbow high French Ticklers. Those things are not the point!

Arm-Fall-Off Boy, although denied membership into the Legion of Super-Heroes (Legion of Stupid Heroes if they didn’t take Arm-Fall-Off Boy), he still, I am sure, patrols the galaxy keeping everyone safe.

With his purple one piece leotard and pointy hat. Don’t forget his oddly rock shaded legs. Those might be boots. Or leggings?

The battle cry of HA-YAAAA! lets villains everywhere know to die! Die, I say! DIE! HA-YAAAA!

Anyway. Yeah. Arm-Fall-Off Boy. Plorp. Genius.

(I know the caption photo has it spelled villian. So does the comic panel. I was being faithful to what they put in the panel)

Time for an original fiction bit. Enjoy.
—————————————–
“So, you’re off?” I asked her, standing behind her and resisting the urge to touch her shoulder.

“We’ve been over this,” she said, and I could feel her lip curl as she spoke.

I just wanted to know where she was going. It didn’t feel like a huge question to want an answer to, not really. Still. I took a deep breath and tried to let it go. Tried to let her go. No, that was bullshit, I had let her go months before, she held no power over me, no big emotional ties, nothing critical. I just wanted to know, because of the box.

“You could just tell me, and be on your way.”

“I’m on my way, regardless,” she said with a slight laugh, her back still toward me, “just leave it alone and let things be what they are.”

“You know why I can’t,” I tried to explain, “and you know why you shouldn’t. But you… you just don’t give a fuck, do you? You couldn’t care if the whole…”

“Don’t you…” she said, her voice rising as she finally turned to face me, her face flush with anger now, “don’t you even fucking dare to try and play that card with me. Me! Who the fuck do you think you…”

“Oh please,” my own anger, long held down bubbled upwards in response to her own, as it always had, “do continue. Tell me how I shouldn’t dare cross your path or show you what your selfish bullshit actions will cost the rest of us, or any of it. Explain to me, darling, why I should let you get away with this happy as a clam in shit.”

“Pig,” she shook her head, “in shit. Not a clam in shit, what the hell is a clam in… look, whatever! I’m taking the case and I’m out of here.”

“It isn’t yours to take,” I said, forcing myself to calm down.

“I invented it!”

“You gave it to the world.”

“The world can fuck itself!”

“Which it will, if I let you leave.”

I took several deep breaths, each slower than the one before, and tried to center myself. Sharon watched me for a second and then turned away again, climbing up into the cockpit of her small Cessna plane. She shoved the box behind her seat and reached for the handle to yank the cockpit closed around her.

I leapt at her, forcing my torso in under the closing plexiglass, or whatever the hell it was, and scrabbled for the box. She clawed at me, then hit at my face. I ignored her as best I could.The box had to be shared, not squandered.

She fought hard and I found myself having to fight back against her directly. A fist to the face. A nose bent sideways sharply. An eye blackened. These were the crimes committed by both of us upon the flesh of the other. I wrestled the box clear of the plane and, tucking it under my arm, ran like hell.

Outside it was snowing again and I sat down, uncaring. I removed the feelings from myself and simply wiped blood from my nose. Setting the box down carefully in front of myself, I worked the hinge and opened it. The soft gold light spilled out into the world. The Buddha’s essence spilled out, starting to edge its way across the globe. We had done it. We had crafted peace.

I set the box down and picked up the gun. I was capable of violence, and even in the face of peace could not put it down. I knew that now. I fought to defend it, fought harder to bring it back to share with the world but the key is that I fought when my path should have been cleaner.

I pulled the trigger, the last violent urge in a world that was about to be cleansed of violence for good. Whether it wanted to be or not. That would be our legacy.

I wondered where she thought she could have gone.

So what’s been up? Well I’ve still been sick, so not a hell of a lot. Isn’t that just exciting? I know it is, my pretties, I know that it is. Still, you must contain yourselves.

Past that little speed bump, life continues apace. Projects I can’t discuss yet because they are too up in the air to talk about still. Ideas that haven’t come to fruition. Things that need to be written. You know the score, by now.

Still, the weather turns toward fall and the temperature drops slowly. The air gets crisper and kinder and the sky darkens earlier and earlier. I always did like fall.

Sometimes I wish I could just babble on about stuff. But that stuff is always in the air when I want to talk about it, and I end up feeling like a little kid told not to shake presents. Damn it! Yeah I’m a bit rambly today.

However, in regards to yesterday’s Dustin Diamond news, I have created a short “film” for your use:

Hey, Liz, wanna do it?

Ew, Screech! No!

Don’t call me that! My name is Dustin. So, come on, why can’t we do it? You’re easy, I’m desperate… it all works.

All right, but nothing strange and no filming it! And I’m not gonna touch… it.

Not gonna touch what?

Little Screech.

Well this’ll be awkward, but whatever.

… I said no filming!

I’m not!

Then what’s that?

A prop. It isn’t real! Could I afford a real camera? If I could, wouldn’t I be able to afford a real date, too and not be here with you?
Point. All right, fine, Screech. I guess you can fuck me.

I… I uhhh… have been

Wow you must be tiny.

Actually, my huge cock is legendary. You’re just that loose.

Yeah, whatever. You sure you aren’t filming this?

Promise.

All right. Well you just stay back there so I don’t have to look at you.

Oh, hey, Liz?

What?

Here!

Oh my God, Screech! You sick bastard!

Zach’ll totally let me into the club with him and Slater!

This is worse than Showgirls! Oh my God!

*screech laugh* And I have it on tape! Now to ensure the NY Daily News doesn’t get a hold of it.

Hey He-Man, remember that time you tripped and almost fell to your doom?

I’m not He-Man. I am Prince Adam. No relation.

Sure thing, He-Man. So, remember that time? Do ya? That was some great stuff!

I am not He-Man, I tell you! And uhhh no, I don’t… no, no idea what you mean.

The time you tripped and fell! Off a cliff!

That didn’t happen.

ROLL CLIP!

Shut it, He-Man.

I’m not He-Man!

He-Man, He-Man, He-Man! HE-MAN!

Shut up!

… she-man.

Grrrrr!

ROLL CLIP!

I really fucking hate you.

He-Man, He-Man, He-Man!

Takeshi stood and stretched his long blue scaly neck as far as it would go. Since he was a middle-aged (and for dragons, middle-aged meant only five or six hundred years old) blue dragon, his neck stretched pretty far. His long curved claws kneaded the hard pavement and scritched icy sparks up along it as he rolled and flexed each long webbed finger.

He yawned then, a massive dragon-yawn. Clouds altered their course and three states away the weather changed for the rest of the week. Takeshi didn’t think about any of that though, he just yawned. It had been a long few weeks for the dragon, what with stopping the Fire Imps of Y’gottig and having to wash the socks of his baby brother.

“Tak! Tak!” The voice rang out along the street and acted as punctuation to the slip-slop-slap wet jelly on stone noises that slurped right up to Takeshi’s side. Wobbly, Squid-prince and Takeshi’s best friend, ran up to the dragon as best he could. His mechanical lungs (a gift from Professor Ozone, the clown engineer) heaved and puffed along his back and Wobbly slid to a wet and slime ridden stop.

“Wh-h-h-hat,” asked Takeshi, lowering his head to Wobbly’s side and looking at him through one bright blue eye.

“Tak! It’s Pomegranate! He’s in trouble! We gotta,” Wobbly huffed and reached one tentacle back to poke at his mechanical lungs, “help him. We gotta, gotta!”

“Wobbly,” Takeshi said slowly while he used a long nail to carefully adjust his friend’s mechanical lungs, “calm down. What happened?”

“Well Pom was in class, right?”

“Ninja school still?”

“Yeah,” Wobbly sighed deeply, “thanks, Tak, I can breathe better now. But he was in class when they all got attacked and it’s simply terrible.”

“The class is terrible?” Takeshi asked as he raised an eyebrow in question. Wobbly was his best friend, but sometimes he wished the Squid-prince would simply get to the point. Still, Old King Slither had entrusted Takeshi with the safety and worldly learning of his only son and Takeshi wasn’t going to toss him back for still being wet behind the gills.

“Noooo-o-o! It was terrible! IT! The zombies!”

Takeshi stopped cold for a moment. Zombies were back in the Seventeen Lands of Ancient Baskovia? That made no sense, he thought. Why, they had rid the Seventeen Lands of zombies hundreds of years ago, before Takeshi was even born. How could there be a zombie attack suddenly, much less in broad daylight at a ninja academy?

Things were, Takeshi realized, getting strange in the Seventeen Lands again. Strange things, on this scale, usually meant someone was causing them.

Takeshi shook his heavy head and ruffed his scales, throwing his shoulders back, “I suppose we should help poor Pomegranate. Though, truth be told, if he was as far along as he often claims, zombies shouldn’t give him a problem at all.”

“Tak! Don’t be mean! The other students are zombies now. Don’t you see? Zombie ninja!” Wobbly hopped up on Takeshi’s back and wrapped a few tentacles around various ridges and bits of dragon to hold on tightly.

“That does, I admit, complicate things some. Still. Between the two of us, we should prevail just fine.”

“I… Tak, I don’t want to fight ninja zombies.”

Takeshi laughed a deep grumbling laugh as he beat his heavy wings against the air, taking a running, leaping start to flight. “Well then why are you coming along, dear Wobbly? You try to act cowardly, I know, but within you beats a true and strong heart full of bravery and deeds not yet done.”

“M-maybe? But still,” Wobbly bent his head so the wind rushing by them wouldn’t dry him out too badly, “they can remain undone until after the ninja zombies are dealt with.”

“You said the same thing about the Sphinx of Rangoc Ten, Wobbly!”

“I meant it then too, events just conspired. You know, the way that they do.”

“Well then perhaps they will conspire again. The way that they do.”

“I do hope they learn not to do that.”

Takeshi rolled and dove and flexed his mighty muscles as they approached the place where Wobbly had seen Pomegranate last. Shaking his wide head in a ruhuff, Takeshi swooped down for a landing. As he did he spied a man wrapped all in black and carrying a sword in one hand, and a severed arm in the other, which he was trying to eat even though he still wore a ninja mask over his face.

“We shall see, my slimy friend. We shall see all too soon,” roared Takeshi as he dove into battle, Squid-prince on his back.

Gandalf: Carefully we must tread, ‘ere long we find ourselves besieged by villainous forces seeking to take the Ring itself and use its ghastly power to…

Frodo Jackson: Motherfucker! Let’s just get this motherfucking ring to motherfucking Mordor!

Aragorn: Still! We must creep by night and be wise of foot, lest the evil forces of Sauron…

Frodo Jackson: Motherfuckers! Listen. To. Me. We take this motherfucking ring, see? And we toss the shit in the volcano. What we don’t do, understand, is sit around talking about this shit for three months. Motherfuckers! Do you think I want to walk up that mountain in the motherfucking snow? If we go now it’ll still be spring.

Gandalf: I urge caution.

Aragorn: As do I.

Frodo Jackson: I urge you motherfuckers to get out my way! How’s that for urging? Frodo empties his .9mm into Aragorn and Gandalf Motherfuckers.

Earlier in the story of Nina Emo Teen

Dear Diary,

Mizzi-chan won’t talk to me. She says I stole the spirit of the hunt and that there is none for her now. She talks of quitting and running away from home as I did. I warned her about bears but she will not listen. She wants to see open water.

My parents have tried to ground me but I snuck out anyway. Ha! They are not so smart.

Grounded. Parents very good at ninja tricks.

Mizzi-chan ran away! I do not know what to do! I feel a dark black emptiness inside myself since she left. Or perhaps that is my outfit. Unsure. Will investigate further.

Shuriken class is still a political nightmare. They drone on about being Masterless and free and yet keep us in this school like slaves to the Emperor. I tried to speak out about it but only got stabbed in the arm for my troubles.

Kokunha-san smirked, I could see the shape of his lips twitch.

Letter from Mizzi-chan arrived in secret today. She claims to have reached open water. Working on ship now. Says to call her Good-Eye Mizzi. Does this mean my love is a pirate? Must follow and find out.

While packing to hunt down Mizzi-chan… Good-Eye Mizzi, remembered bear. Need to find bear traps. Possibly explosives.