I love Jess. She’s … everything that is right and wrong with humanity, all rolled up into one hyper bundle of awesome. She also married an amazing guy. Who is anti-social. Damn it. But I love N, too. Anyway! Sometimes we talk. And then … we have conversations like the one we just had. It started with the discussions of my last post, and then my wondering why no one had made a porno of Driving Miss Daisy. They have, Jess found, called “Driving Miss Daisy Crazy,” which we both felt was a poor, poor showing of a title. And so we discussed it.

APK: Felching Miss Daisy doesn’t scan right.

Jess: Drilling Miss Daisy?

APK: Too Alaska. Dry-humping Miss Daisy?

Jess: Driving It Home in Miss Daisy?

APK: Or we could go a different way with it: “Let’s Fuck Old People.”

Jess: Dude.

APK: Wrinkled and Horny, Decrepit & Erected!

Jess: Help I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get It Up.

APK: Dude, Where’s My Vagina Again?

Jess: Which Hole Does That Go In?

APK: No that’s from My First Porno, by Sony, along with “Why does Mr. One Eye Love to Cry?”

Jess: My personal favorite: “Everybody Tries Anallingus!”

APK: Anallingus … wasn’t he on Star Trek? “Spock, let’s go visit Anallingus.” “Yes, Captain.”

Jess: Yes, but on Deep Space 9, so no one remembers him.

APK: He was the deep space.

It’s time for CANNED BACON! Yes, it is an exclusive from MRE Depot.

Each can is 9 ounces of fully cooked and drained bacon. Between 2-3/4 and 3-1/4 pounds of raw bacon go into each can. Each can is the highest quality fresh #1 bacon slices. Cured to our specifications, cooked and then hand wrapped, rolled and packed in the U.S.

With a shelf life in excess of 10 years, this bacon makes a perfect addition to your food storage program and it is great for every day use. Take some with you when you go camping, hiking or hunting – keep a case in the boat, RV, cabin or anywhere that you may need to prepare a meal but don’t have refrigeration!!

Oh but you want pictures don’t you? You know that you want pictures of canned bacon.

Ingredients; Pork, Water, Salt, Sugar, Smoke Flavoring, Sodium Phosphates, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite

Now here’s the other part. You can only buy it BY THE CASE! Each case has 12 cans. Each can has 40-50 slices of bacon in it. That’s between 480 and 600 slices of canned bacon to gnaw on! And you can order a case for only $109.95 plus shipping.

First up, The Capital talked to Malfi about The Nature of Monsters.

And, actually, a favor to ask about tNoM. If you ordered it and read it and all that good stuff, would you consider going to Amazon and reviewing it? Review it honestly, mind you. You can click here to review the book. If you liked it, tell the world why. If you didn’t tell them why. Either way, make yourself heard.

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So anyway. I’m sick. Not, like, end of the world sick, or stay home sick but sick enough that I’m spacey and kinda loopy and generally slower than normal.

Go on, make your jokes. Please.

But I’ve been sucking back these honey and tea cough drops with some minty thing, you know cough drops. And they’re really shitty. I mean the honey bit is so subtle it shouldn’t even be there and tea flavor? In a cough drop? Ick.

But I am not a frequenter of cough drops so I am using what I had in my medicine cabinet. See, this is why you have to pay attention to these things before you get sick. Otherwise you run the risk of being stuck with crappy cough drops that taste like butt.

Mentholated butt, mind you. Butt, nonetheless.