Archive for tv

The new face of war…

The times are changing. G.I. Joe and Cobra have both sufgfered huge losses in funding and recruitment. And now they have… new plans…
———————————
cobraco“Hello! You used to know me as Cobra Commander! Yes! I plotted to take over your stupid countries with might and power. Of course I did! Wouldn’t you, if faced with the sort of sniveling weakness you yourselves display?

“Sadly there has been a downturn in recruits for my Cobra soldiers. As such I have been forced to reconsider our methods. So I am here today to announce that Cobra will no longer exist. Instead I shall use my army, my weapons and my masterful plans to help you get into the best shape of your life. Organically. Safely. Artistically!

“From here on out we are…. YOGA! Yes, so please address me as the Yoga Commander. My Yoga soldiers will help tone and stretch you. We will work together to ensure your peak physical conditioning, as well as spiritual growth!

“YOOOOGGGGAAAAAAAAAA!”

———————————

duke“Uhm. Hi. Excuse me. But don’t listen to Yoga Commander. He wants to train you in soft pliable ways to take over your mind and use you as his Downward Facing Army. Do not listen. Do not follow his lead. Do not trust him.

“Instead, come with me. I’m Duke. And while, as leader of G.I. Joe I commanded forces against the man you now call Yoga Commander, I, too, have seen a new day dawn.

“With that in mind, and our need to confront the forces of Yoga on their own terms, let me introduce you to G.I. Jazz! We’ll get you in shape the American Way! With sweat and hard work and possibly crying. You’ll cry, cadet! You’ll cry hard! Jazzercise on this level isn’t just for anyone!

“No, you have to prove yourself worth while to be a member of G.I. Jazz, but if you can, the world awaits you. Justice awaits. Say no to the forces of Yoga and sign up, today, with G.I. Jazz!

“Remember! Spin Class is half the battle!”

New Girl – The first true Sitcom Voltron

I was talking to a friend the other day (my The Glory, The Glory podcast co-host Aidan) and realized that New Girl is really something special on modern television. To really dig into why, though, we need to glance back at Sitcom Eras Past.

In the 50s and 60s (and please remember that decades and their trends don’t generally start until partway through. The 80s didn’t really start until 83/84) sitcoms often featured a lot of physical humor and exaggerated scenarios. I Love Lucy and Bewitched, I Dream of Genie and The Flying Nun. The sort of exaggerated event that made for broader comedy while still being nominally relatable – though at a remove because these were often blown out of proportion for comedy.

In the 70s the sitcom turned and we had shows like Taxi and Cheers who found comedy at the bottom of a well of depression. They would feature characters that felt stuck in their lives and sought humor from the base ridiculousness of existence in American society at the time. They loved a situation where they could get you to laugh with a character because you’d been there.

As we started to enter the cultural sinkhole of the 80s we found ourselves lashed at by sitcoms such as Family Ties, The Cosby Show, and Facts of Life which wanted us to remember that family was important and that good people came together to laugh and solve problems.

Bursting out of that, sitcoms in the 90s offered us Seinfeld and Friends, what I like to think of as the “It’s all right to be an ass” years. Characters could suddenly be truly unlikable and find their funny moments based off of us laughing directly at them instead of with them. We loved to dislike them, and they enjoyed our attention.

Which brings us back to New Girl:

Jess Day: The 50′s template, always living her life as if the world was brighter, sillier and bigger than it is. She can be as broad as a situation requires, without ever feeling out of place.

Nick: Reppin’ the 70s with is resignation that his life will be what it is. His personality being at least 40 years older than he is often helps ground him fully in the quagmire that is his imagined existence.

Winston: Though the writers seemed to struggle initially with Winston’s character he quickly became the quiet heart of the show from the 80s. You would think it was Jess, and yet Winston is often the glue that holds everyone together. He champions a sense of family, though not out loud often, that allows the others to work collectively though they might never realize it is his character and not themselves enabling it.

Schmidt: The 90s douche at its finest, complete with easy Douche Jar! We get to laugh at Schmidt, even though we know he isn’t a bad guy. He’s every character we loved to hate all wrapped up in one meta-textual, self-aware package.

And so New Girl becomes something on television that we haven’t quite seen before – a sitcom Voltron. It takes from every major era of the sitcom and combines them all to mix and match scenes and plots and find truly new ways to attack the old form.

It isn’t what I expected from the show back when I first started watching it, but with the alchemy in place and working and growing it is certainly what I watch now. From Cece shifting between the 90s and 50s with grace, to Julia Cleary being a quiet 90s character with the initial trappings of a 70s character being used to explore both Nick and, by a strange extension, his relationship with Schmidt, New Girl has found the ability to turn elements we knew into bursting unknowns, revealing their contents twenty-four minutes at a time.

Game of Heathers

I just realized that Heathers, yes the movie, fits really well into Game of Thrones. Yes, really. Think of it like this:

You have Heather Lannister, Heather Baratheon, and Heather Greyjoy and then poor Veronica Stark. Meanwhile everyone is afraid of the new kid Slater Targaryen. Now, I haven’t read ahead or anything but I really hope Veronica blows up King’s Landing.

Also I want to reshoot Heathers with Heather Lannister’s brother Tyrion involved.

But anyway! Yeah. Heather Stark moves to King’s Landing, and she hates it. It’s run by this clique of Heathers. Well, you know how this story goes. Slater is feared, he’s known as Dragon Boy, and hooks up with Ronnie. They manage to accidently kill Heather Baratheon (well Ronnie thinks it’s an accident at first) and now the wheels start to come off.

Also – late in the movie the God of Tits and Wine shows up.

But really, come on, admit this to yourself and to me – Heathers works as Game of Thrones far too well. Which really means that GoT is, quietly, just a teen romance black comedy disguised as something far bigger. But now you’ll never unsee it.

You’re welcome.

Jem! I’m gonna hologram forever…

Shameful realization – I’ve never actually dug into the Jem cartoon here. I mean I’ve created a Scale of One to Jem. I’ve talked about the show some but I’ve never really given it the full on me it deserves.

That changes now! Synergy, hit it!

Jem was one of those shows that makes much more sense when you’re watching it as a kid than it ever will trying to think about it as an adult. But basically there’s this woman, Jerrica Benton. Why isn’t Jerrica a more popular name? It’s the female form of Jericho, like the “Walls Of” which were torn down by sound – come on that’s clever! Anyway her dad built this hologram thing to be ultra-cool and left it to her and so…

Get this – Jerrica runs a music company and uses Synergy, the hologram thing, to disguise herself as a rock star, that she then publishes. It’s like vanity press silly. She leverages all of this technology to basically wear a wig and put on make-up. Thanks, Jerrica, for squandering the greatest leap forward in holographic technology since… well who knows. Since holograms!

What’s funny now is, if you did this show today it would be called Gorillaz, and would be a documentary, in effect. But back them it was Jem. So she gets some folk together, her sister and foster sisters – so way to think outside your circle, Jerrica, and they form a band.

Jem and the Holograms.

Of course Jem was the Hologram. They were really themselves and didn’t pretend to be other people. But the name manages to imply the reverse. Jerrica Benton – Kind of a dick.

So they fight the Misfits, who are not the punk band you might be thinking of, but rather a band of people named Stomer and Pizzazz. Needless to say they were cooler than the so-called Holograms.

But anyway most of the show was Jerrica being all “No one can find out I’m also Jem.” See, I get that when Supergirl doesn’t want people to know her secret ID. I understand it when Spider-Man worries. Their families would be in danger.

When Jerrica does it I have to wonder what the issue is. What is she afraid of? Well. She’s afraid everyone would know she’s a fraud and has been squandering this technology and want to use it. Which is fair, because that’s what she’s doing. She basically has a secret identity because she’s kind of a dick and doesn’t want to be called on it.

It’s true.

Mind you this all ignores something. Fuck the hologram tech. Seriously – they also own the first true AI in Synergy. And she’s used to… help Jerrica’s music career. Christ, that’s the meaning of heartbreak. There Synergy is, brain the size of a planet and they ask her to take Jerrica to the stage. Call that job satisfaction? ‘Cause I don’t.

Jerrica Benton – worst person in the world? Possibly. Kimber totally should have punched her the fuck out and taken over. Maybe that was an unaired episode. I can hope.

The Dark Shadows Dare

Welcome to a new round of Dare the Internet to Make Me Do Stupid Things this time with guest-stupid-person Laszlo Xalieri!

You see, right now at Amazon the complete Dark Shadows is on sale. When I say “on sale” I mean $250 off reducing the price to a cheap $350 dollars. That’s $350 for, get this, 1225 thirty minute episodes. One thousand, two-hundred and twenty-five episodes. Holy crap. This set weighs like 15 lbs. and comes with 131 DVDs. It has 470 hours of TV. All of it is Dark Shadows. Look at this set:

This is where the stupid comes in. No one really wants to commit to watching that much Dark Shadows. Or owning it. Imagine the tears rolling down a cheek as another DVD case is lifted out, as Season Umpteenbillion rolls onward. No one should do this and consider that they may remain sane.

This is where you come in. Laszlo and I are willing to risk our very sanity for your amusement! We will each put in $50 bucks. That leaves $250 for you to donate. Here is a PayPal button:

What you get if we raise the money:

* We have to watch every single damned episode of Dark Shadows.

* We must try to do this before the end of 2015. We will do our best but there are 1,225 episodes so, you know, we may be a few weeks off target.

* I will write up every single season. Not every episode but at the end of each season watched I will write a review/article about it. Laszlo may also do his own article, but I will promise mine.

* The ability to ask me, at any time, what episode we’re on and get an answer, right then, with Season and Episode number, so that you can feel good about torturing me.

What we get if you donate money:

* Pain. Frustration. The requirement of watching 1,225 episodes of Dark Shadows.

Other Considerations

How long do we have to raise the money? 24 hours. If by 10AM on November 29th there is not the full amount, then we move on to some other thing to watch and hate ourselves for. Also the PayPal buttons are removed then.

What if we don’t raise quite enough money? Well, we will buy some horrible TV show or movies that we will then review and be tortured by. Choices will be made and maybe a run-off vote will be had should this come to pass.

What if the sale ends and the money is raised but now it is $250 dollars short? See the above. Basically you are ensuring we will torture ourselves watching something, we are just all “hoping” it is Dark Shadows.

Here is the PayPal button again:

THIS SPACE IS RESERVED FOR DONATION STATUS:

Current Status: Around 1/5 of the way there, God help us.

S.H.I.E.L.D. – the theme

So with Joss Whedon poised to do a S.H.I.E.L.D. TV show I figgered one good cost saving measure would be to reuse the Firefly theme and just change around the words some. Well, then I thought I’d be helpful, see, and do it for them. So, below, is the new S.H.I.E.L.D. theme:

Take my Cube, remake the land
Take me where only A.I.M. can stand
I don’t care, I’m still free
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

Kill me off, try that tack
Tell them I ain’t comin’ back
Replace me with an LMD
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

Leave my flyin’ car where it lay
It won’t never see another day
Lost clearance, blew the scheme
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

I feel Hydra reaching out
And Zodiac’s song without a doubt
I still hear and I still see
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

Lost sight of Dum-Dum Dugan
Howlin’ Commandos on the run.
There’s no place I can be
Since I’ve found Nick Fury.

And you can’t take Helicarriers from me.

————

I’m not sorry.

Posers.

I’ve seen a bunch of anger toward “posers” recently and I don’t get it. There are people getting mad because people are pretending to like something only because it is cool to like it, but they don’t really like it or get it. And that’s… bad?

How – that’s my problem – how is it bad?

If you like something you want it to do well, to succeed and thrive. More people spending money on it, talking about it, drawing focus to it bring that all home. They make the thing you love better funded and better accepted. They widen its base and spread it around.

But they don’t really like it, and so that’s bad.

Because the thing you like getting bigger is a horrible idea.

If you like something, if you truly enjoy it and want it to live, you want it to grow bigger. And that means more people looking at it. I don’t care if you somehow feel special because it is this little unknown thing in a closet just for you and your friends. That’s the way this shit dies early, by being kept hidden away. So – choose – do you want it to thrive or want it to fail? And if the answer is thrive then grow up!

Because according to you a “poser” is someone who is faking enjoyment of a thing. What you really mean is: They don’t enjoy it “enough” according to you, Grand Master Of How Much People Like Things.

I mean really. You wouldn’t want someone telling you you are enjoying things “wrong” would you? But you feel free to say it to other people.

“Oh no, this person here says they like Street Fighter but they don’t even know all the character names!”

Uhm. So the fuck what? You can like something and not obsess over it. You can like something and just, you know, like it.

You do not get to decide how much anyone else likes something, anymore than they can judge you for it.

Some people have to know every detail of a thing they like. Some don’t. It’s all fine! Look, me just kinda enjoying a thing you are hardcore into doesn’t weaken your enjoyment! It doesn’t make the thing you love any less of a thing. It just means I like it, but differently. And that is all right. It really is.

Deciding people are posers is elitist bullshit, the kind of stuff that most people outgrow around 7th grade. Get with it. Move along. Grow up. Let people enjoy things however much or little they enjoy them and understand it doesn’t affect your enjoyment of that thing one tiny bit. And then be thankful for the so-called posers – for helping that thing you love stay alive. Thank them! Your petty, twisted, selfish love isn’t enough.

These guys, the ones you think don’t care enough to obsess – they help a ton. Deal with it. And stop telling other people what they can and can’t like and how much they have to like something to be valid. Doing that is why we can’t have nice things. Seriously – you guys are the problem.

Newsroom

I like Sorkin. Well. I like his dialogue. Sometimes I like his plots. Some of his characters I enjoy. But I do love his cadence, the feel, I adore it. I am not as enamored of the man. Not by half. With his new show NEWSROOM starting tonight I wanted to get this out.

See the show is about, basically, how we have to re-elevate the news to a thing of glory. A bastion for smarts and truth and all that. And I agree. But Sorkin seems to think this can only happen on TV Network News. I disagree.

But to disagree with Sorkin, I wanted to do it on his terms. With a script.

INT. Hallway – Night.

Kevin and Lisa walk down the dimly lit hallway together, moving quickly. Kevin shuffles papers in his hands as he moves, almost as if he was searching for a cosmic order to put them in, a higher purpose in the relationship of one paper to the next. Lisa hugs a clipboard to her chest as if it were a security blanket.

KEVIN
It’s time to take back the truth.

LISA
And we’re the people to do it?
Read more

Introduction to Corporate Structure

So, as y’all know by now of course, Dan Harmon was removed from Community. Well, he’s still gonna get some sort of production credit because he created the show, but he’s gone. Removed. Ghost.

And so what, it’s just a TV show. There are hundreds of them, they happen all the time and have for decades and will, in some form, continue for decades more. Except.

Except.

Community as a show was an example of what TV could be: Intensely personal and wildly experimental at the same time, ambitious, daring, funny, touching, and above all worth-while.

Dan Harmon started it. He birthed the show. He gave life to characters that, in a 30 minute weekly network sitcom, grew and changed as often and as steadily as we each do in our lives. And yet it was also a fairly tale, and a haunting premise that life gives us random accidents that can create family.

Harmon is, by all accounts, not easy to work for. I don’t know the man, at all, except through the bits he reveals to the public. And those bits include: He drinks too much, he rants and screams and looses his temper too often, he feels every failure as sharply as a knife to the gut, he regrets every chance he didn’t take full advantage of, and seems to truly wrestle with his own demons at every turn.

Don’t we all, though. Each of us struggles through life, imperfect sacks of slowly rotting meat, trying to find some measure of happiness and chase what dreams we can see in the gloaming as night falls and the ice weasels come.

His reward for slaving away for three years: To be fired from his own creation, without any communication to him prior regarding it.

His reward for fighting his demons and still delivering a show that honestly mattered: To be cast out of his own house and allowed to watch it get held down in a school-yard and taken advantage of by whomever the largest kid sees fit.

His reward for making us laugh and taking every possible risk: To be told that though his creation is possibly still worth something, it is only worth something if he isn’t part of it so it can be changed to something it wasn’t meant to be.

His reward for picking himself up, week after week, episode after episode and trying again though it, from all sources, often depressed and worried him when he decided things fell over more than he wanted them to: To be told that the people who owned the show, the people who he made money for, felt he was the problem, his vision was the problem.

Because yes, Community will be back next fall. It will be “more mainstream.” it will be bastardized and scrubbed clean. Sanitized for your protection and wrapped in gauze until the shuffling victim can only speak in catch phrases and predictable plots. Because of course it will. That’s what we want apparently.

Dan Harmon is each and every one us that ever dreamed big, took risks and was still, failingly and amazingly, human at all times. Did the show deserve cancellation? Probably? I mean, the ratings were not there.

But at no point did it deserve to have its head cut off, its heart cast into the rain and its soul to be stepped. But that’s what we got. That’s what Dan Harmon got and what he has to watch happen now.

So, tonight, think about how it would feel to watch your dream taken away and reshaped by someone else in front of your eyes and remember: It happens and it’s happening to Dan Harmon.

We’re all Dan Harmon, even if some days we’re ashamed to admit, like he does regularly, how often we fall down. And like all of us, like the best of us, Dan Harmon will stand back up and do something even better.

I know that.

But knowing that doesn’t mean I have to like this. Not at all.

TV Hates You.

Think back to when you were a kid and watched a lot more TV.* So many of the sitcoms were just excuses for rich white guys to air shows about how hilarious and hard it was to be a rich white guy, alongside how awesome they were. These cats were all about stealing black kids and raising them, or stealing women – any orphan would do so long as it wasn’t a little white boy orphan because those didn’t happen, obviously.

* (and if you’re one of those people who is going to go on about how you didn’t watch TV and hate TV now and… yes you’re a special flower, now hush and let the rest of us talk)

They spent years trying to force us to buy into the concept that these rich white guys just wanted to save the world – one kidnapped orphan at a time. And once they were nice and Stockholmed in their beds, the orphans would come to realize “Gee, having money is so much fun but it doesn’t solve your problems, either!”

Sure, you never want for toys, or clothes or food or warmth – but wealth can’t make you forget that you broke that toy through folly and thoughtlessness and you need to be a better person so you can have nice things. Here’s a replacement toy for learning your lesson.

Yeeeeah.

Not that it’s generally much better now. It’s a bit better, I suppose.

But still. How many shows really just want you to know how hard it is to be a rich white dude? How many do we need? Do any of us buy it anymore?