Just got sent this fantastic bit of (oh so wrong) photoshoppery. I don’t know who made it, sadly. But man. Kirk and Leia? WRONG! And yet, hysterical.

In the far future a crack commando unit was sent to Arus to escape King Zarkon who wanted them for a crime they didn’t commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to Princess Allura’s underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as pilots of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you really need five robotic lions who can become a giant robot, maybe you can hire the V-Team.

Commander ‘Hannibal’ Keith: All right you screw-ups. Let’s go. We have to get the lions moving and go save that little girls father from evil farmers.

‘Howling Mad’ Lance: Come on, Hannibal! Let’s just use Voltron and step on him!

Mr. Sven: I pity the foo’ who gets stepped on!

Hunkface: Whatever, you guys let’s just go.

** Later, after 27 explosions, three scenes involving crying children and a montage of action footage **

Commander ‘Hannibal’ Keith: I love it when five lions come together. And form a giant robot. Let’s go back to base.

‘Howling Mad’ Lance: Can’t we stay for pie?!

Mr. Sven: I’m not gettin’ on no flying lion robot.

Hunkface: You just did. You always do. Hello?

Mr. Sven: Well. This time. Fine.

Sometimes the SNL digital shorts get it right.

All right I need to talk about the Bionic Six for a second. If you don’t remember Bionic Six let me quote from wikipedia to recap the origin of the show:

“The main character, ‘Bionic-1′, was a machine-enhanced human being using bionic technology, much like The Six Million Dollar Man. On a vacation in the Himalayas, Bionic-1 and his family were testing out some new ski equipment. They were attacked by aliens and during the battle, in which Jack revealed his abilities to his children for the first time, there was an avalanche and the Bennetts were all buried alive under radioactive snow. All, but Jack (whose bionics made him immune to the radioactivity), were thrown into paralytic comas. Unsure how to save them, Bionic-1 brings the family to Professor Sharp’s lab. Sharp deduces that giving everyone the bionic treatment would cure them of the radioactivity too. Each family member was given a specific bionic power, and they formed a team named Bionic Six.”

All right, now let’s unpack that big block of crazy. So this guy has a bunch of kids. Him and his wife had a boy and girl of their own, adopted one kid and ended up with a another. Got that? Mom, dad and five kids. Now Dad (Bionic-1) was enhanced by “bionic technology” which means he had bits of himself replaced by robotic/artificial bits. He had, in fact, “super-sight,” optic blasts and enhanced hearing. Which means most of his head was metal.

He didn’t tell his family. Any of them. Not a thing. Remember that time dad vanished for six months and then suddenly could hear the cat fart a mile away, literally? Yeah this is why.

So after the family gets buried alive due to alien attack (wait what?!) under radioactive snow (wait WHAT?!) … they… hold on. The aliens, by the way, don’t really come back. They were just hiding out, in the snow, waiting for some stupid humans to come along. The snow, that was radioactive. I think because the aliens peed on it. Don’t eat the radioactive snow!

Uhm anyway, yeah. Radioactive snow. Aliens. So the metal in this guy’s head makes him immune to radioactivity. Holy shit that’s fucking incredible! That’s a breakthrough of staggering proportion! We can use that to change the world! It can be used to… shove shit in your wife and kids to get them out of comas? Oh, well sure, I guess.

But why stop there? I mean if you have to implant all sorts of metal into your wife and kids, without telling them or asking them, why not also give them random powers and abilities for shits and giggles? I mean they’re gonna wake up, after an attack of aliens and radioactive pee-snow and find out that Dad has implanted superpowers. Why stop there? Why not also spring their own powers on them, remove their choices and life and turn them into super heroes weather they like it or not?!

Worst. Dad. Ever.

Then he makes it worse. He gives them code names. His wife becomes Mother-1. You got that right. He is Bionic-1, see? The first, the prime. His wife though? She’s just the mom. That’s it. She got the power to create illusions. Yup. He gave his wife the power to make you see shit that wasn’t there.

Nope, not a comment at all. Nope.

His blond jock son became Sport-1, with the power of electromagnetics. Considering the entire family was powered by metal and electronics in them this might have been a dumb move. Just maybe.

Their ditz daughter became Rock-1 which shoulder mounted, implanted sonic cannons in her shoulders. They folded into her back when not in use. See, his daughter liked music, that Rock n Roll so he gave her the power to destroy things with unfocused sound. Could he have commented any harder on what he thought of her taste in music? Also, while his wife and son had invisible implants, his daughter was mutilated quite happily. Nice one, Dad.

The adopted son was named IQ and he got super-strength and super-intelligence. Why didn’t they all get brains? Seriously? Why not? What the fuck, Dad? Though hey, in the 80s please note it was the token black guy who got the brains and the brawn at the same time.

The last kid was the token asian kid. So when I tell you he was named Karate-1 and whose powers were simply … he was “better” at karate (where better is a vague term never quite explained) you won’t be sulplised, will you. Err. Surprised, I mean. Ahem.

And yes, there was also the token robot gorilla. But never mind that.

Why were they all named $GENERICNAME-1 (except IQ I guess)? I mean there wasn’t a Karate-2 or Rock-8272 we ever saw. Though I like to think it was because along with Dad’s lies about his own powers and life, he was also a polygamist and there was Mother-2, -3, -4 and -5 out there, each with their own family of horribly forcibly mutated alien radioactive-pee snow eating, bionic families.

Really, it boils down to – how much do you think dad paid the aliens to pee on the snow, making it radioactive just to give him an excuse for this mess?

For the few of you who haven’t seen this one yet: Christopher Walken performing Lady Gaga’s Poker Face:

For those that haven’t seen it yet: Witness the best TV ad ever. Yes it is real, the company is real and those are the real employees.

(via Hurriyet) Nine young women tricked into joining a fake reality show and kept isolated for two months were rescued by the gendarmerie Tuesday.

The women, some as young as 16, were kept confined in a villa in the Beykoz district of Istanbul and videos of them in the house were sold over the Internet.

According to reports, the organizers of the fake show placed advertisements in newspapers that called for “contestants to compete in a reality show akin to ‘Big Brother’ that will be broadcast on FX TV” and interviewed dozens of would-be contenders.

Nine were told they were chosen and made to sign a contract that stipulated that if any of the participants left before two months were up, they would have to pay a fine of 50,000 Turkish Liras. The young women were also told they would have no contact with the outside world, including their families, for the two-month period. Dreaming of becoming television stars, they accepted all the preconditions.

Cameras set up around the villa recorded every moment and naked videos of the participants were sold on the Internet.

Some of the women, realizing the scam, wanted to get out, but were prevented from doing so by the organizers. A person who stayed at the house with them warned that they would have to pay the fine if they left.

Those who tried to leave anyway found they could not because they were locked inside the villa.

A 16-year-old’s parents eventually contacted the gendarmerie, notifying them that they had not seen their daughter for two months and could not reach the organizers.

Once the gendarmerie went to the address the parents provided, they were greeted by cries for help coming from inside.

The gendarmerie staged a raid on the villa, rescuing the young women and detaining the individual who had been staying with them.

In their testimonies to gendarmerie officials, the women said they were also beaten from time to time.

——————————–

So really it sounds like the real Big Brother show, to me. I mean, I am not 100% sure of the difference here except they didn’t actually air it. Well, they claimed they sold clips on the internet, right?

But no one won.

Yeah I think this might have actually been big brother. I’m sure it’ll be a crappy movie plot in about a year, as well. But it does make me wonder…

I can afford rent on a small warehouse space prolly and buy some locks and all … shit. Any of you guys wanna be on a reality TV show? I dunno maybe I’m not being sensitive or something but this feels like Reality TV Darwinism. If we make everyone fear saying yes to being on these fucking shows then maybe people won’t be and they’ll stop.

Still. Man I can shake this. Filmed, sold clips of them nude to the internet, beaten, locked in a villa … how is that not the real show? Huh.

Saw the G.I. Joe movie last night. It could’ve been worse? I mean I think on DVD it should come packaged with vodka but there you have it. Still when I walked in I hoped it would use the best G.I. Joe plot ever. What plot is that, you ask? Let me explain.

See, one day, Cobra ran out of money. Makes sense, weather control isn’t cheap. Building an army of genetically enhanced slaves can’t be done at the dollar store. So anyway they have a credit crunch. And Cobra Commander, that paragon of Oh There’s a Good Plan, has an idea. Zartan and the Dreadnoks are kinda hip. They should form a band.

See, if they form a band and become rich then they can use that money to fund Cobra! And better yet if their songs contain subliminal messages then they can turn everyone who hears it into Cobra slaves!

It was sheer elegance in its simplicity.

They managed to hypnotize a few Joes (What? Really? Yes.) and were then swiftly found out and stopped. They did it again, mind you. Because when you name a band Cold Slither you use it more than once. Here are the awesome subtle lyrics that are supposed to be normal except for the subliminal messages:

Cold Slither

We’re cold slither
You’ll be joining us soon
A band of vipers
playing our tune

With an iron fist
and a reptile hiss
we shall rule!

We’re tired of words
We’ve heard it before
We’re not gonna play the game no more

Don’t tell us what’s right
Don’t tell us what’s wrong
Too late to resist
Cause Cobra is strong

We’re cold slither
Heavy metal machine
Through the eyes of a lizard
In you will dream

When the venom stings
A new order brings
our control

Wait that’s subliminal? “Follow us! Cobra rocks! Hooray!” is their whole plan? It’s sort of like going to a Backstreet Boys concert and having them sing their new hit single Let’s All Join al Qaeda, isn’t it?

Well anyway, thanks to Hasbro it got odder. Over in Transformers at one point one of them robots is in car mode, driving along, listening to Cold Slither! No lie. The song, minus the lyrics, was recycled and used a bunch of times on Transformers, actually.

But you want to see Cold Slither for yourself, don’t you? All right!

So the movie, which is where this started, didn’t use this as the plot. Shame, really, as it would’ve made more sense than the plot they did use.

Woke up with the song in my head and made this…

Why was Voltron made of lions? I mean outside of shipping, what benefit did they have? None of the robeasts was ever defeated by the lions, only by Voltron. Why not just build a big fucking robot and be done with it?

Better yet why not strap a sword to its back instead of forcing the thing to clap hands and bring the sword out of a pocket dimension every time they need it – which is every single fight? I mean there have to be easier ways.

But no. We have to fucking fly around in lion shaped ships for a while and get the crap beat out of us and then we can form the big stupid robot and punch things and still be losing and then we can form the fucking blazing sword and win.

I’m saying cut out middle men numbers 1 and 2.

Let’s do a little before and after, shall we?

BEFORE:

Keith: All right, ya Gol’bricks! Let’s take this Robeast out!

Hunk: Why are you talking like Sgt. Rock, Keith?

Keith: Oh I don’t know, Hunk. Maybe it’s because my soul is dead inside from this whole stupid thing. Ever since Lance died…

Lance: That was Sven. I’m right here.

Keith: Right. Whatever. Anyway. Let’s go Voltron Force!

Allura: I really hope we get to…

Lance: Shut the hell up Princess Bought-My-Way-Into-Voltron.

Allura: Hey!

Keith: Let’s get serious! Now, let’s all bite the Robeast a lot in our lion forms!

Hunk: It isn’t working, Keith! He’s too powerful!

Keith: Form on me! Let’s form Voltron!

Lance: I’ll form the arm!

Keith: Shut up. Whatever. Make a robot. Blah blah blah. Like we have to tell each other this shit. No shit you’ll form the arm, Lance. You know why? It only fits in one place, doesn’t it? Yeah. Not a fucking surprise, is it, the twenty-millionth time? Guess what? Princess Playing-At-Being-Awesome will form the leg. I’ll form the god-damned head and, oh look. We’re Voltron.

Hunk: We’ll get that Robeast for sure now! Let’s punch the heck out of him!

Keith: I don’t want to punch his heck out. I want to punch his cock through the top of his head. Go Voltron!

Lance: Keith have you been drinking, again?

Keith: Shut the fuck up. God, I wish Sven was here instead of you. All right, look, punching isn’t working. Big surprise. It never works. Actually I just make you guys punch to slam Lance around a bit. So uhm. Blazing Sword time I guess?

Allura: Form Blazing…

Lance: You’re a leg. Shut up. I got this.

Keith: Yeah. So ok, that was easy. Once we had the magical sword and all. Fuck this. I’m going home.

It just isn’t efficient! Poor guys. But if we re-imagine Voltron (the above was from the original script to Episode 45 “Hard Time”) as just a big robot with a sword always in hand, no lions to deal with or anything … well it looks a bit different:

AFTER:

Keith: Look! A Robeast!

Lance: Not anymore!

Keith: Ha! You cut that sumbitch in half!

Pidge: We got the tools…

Hunk: We got the talent!

Allura: It’s Miller time!

See how much more fun that was for them? I’m telling you. So much easier without the whole lions thing. Why? Why did that make sense to anyone?