Archive for wtf?!

The new face of war…

April 8, 2013 humor, tv, wtf?! No comments

The times are changing. G.I. Joe and Cobra have both sufgfered huge losses in funding and recruitment. And now they have… new plans…
———————————
cobraco“Hello! You used to know me as Cobra Commander! Yes! I plotted to take over your stupid countries with might and power. Of course I did! Wouldn’t you, if faced with the sort of sniveling weakness you yourselves display?

“Sadly there has been a downturn in recruits for my Cobra soldiers. As such I have been forced to reconsider our methods. So I am here today to announce that Cobra will no longer exist. Instead I shall use my army, my weapons and my masterful plans to help you get into the best shape of your life. Organically. Safely. Artistically!

“From here on out we are…. YOGA! Yes, so please address me as the Yoga Commander. My Yoga soldiers will help tone and stretch you. We will work together to ensure your peak physical conditioning, as well as spiritual growth!

“YOOOOGGGGAAAAAAAAAA!”

———————————

duke“Uhm. Hi. Excuse me. But don’t listen to Yoga Commander. He wants to train you in soft pliable ways to take over your mind and use you as his Downward Facing Army. Do not listen. Do not follow his lead. Do not trust him.

“Instead, come with me. I’m Duke. And while, as leader of G.I. Joe I commanded forces against the man you now call Yoga Commander, I, too, have seen a new day dawn.

“With that in mind, and our need to confront the forces of Yoga on their own terms, let me introduce you to G.I. Jazz! We’ll get you in shape the American Way! With sweat and hard work and possibly crying. You’ll cry, cadet! You’ll cry hard! Jazzercise on this level isn’t just for anyone!

“No, you have to prove yourself worth while to be a member of G.I. Jazz, but if you can, the world awaits you. Justice awaits. Say no to the forces of Yoga and sign up, today, with G.I. Jazz!

“Remember! Spin Class is half the battle!”

Oh come on!

December 5, 2012 wtf?! 4 comments

No. Just… no. Look, people get to my site through all sorts of searches and some of them spark mental images you should be glad I don’t share. But just now, today, not long before I started typing this, someone got to my site by searching for “Sandworm fleshlight.”

And seriously, that shit… just… well, Lana?

Exactly! I mean yeah I’ve written before about the Fleshlight and their strangeness (the vampire thing and just the whole… and yeah, so you know they are strange and fucked up and all already) but this… this is a bridge too far.

Sandworm fleshlight.

Who the hell reads Dune and thinks “I’d like to stick my dick in a sandworm, boy oh boy!” Who? No, don’t raise your hand. No, you in the … put your damned hand down! Shut up! All of you shut up! AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The Dark Shadows Dare

November 28, 2012 stuff and things, tv, wtf?! No comments

Welcome to a new round of Dare the Internet to Make Me Do Stupid Things this time with guest-stupid-person Laszlo Xalieri!

You see, right now at Amazon the complete Dark Shadows is on sale. When I say “on sale” I mean $250 off reducing the price to a cheap $350 dollars. That’s $350 for, get this, 1225 thirty minute episodes. One thousand, two-hundred and twenty-five episodes. Holy crap. This set weighs like 15 lbs. and comes with 131 DVDs. It has 470 hours of TV. All of it is Dark Shadows. Look at this set:

This is where the stupid comes in. No one really wants to commit to watching that much Dark Shadows. Or owning it. Imagine the tears rolling down a cheek as another DVD case is lifted out, as Season Umpteenbillion rolls onward. No one should do this and consider that they may remain sane.

This is where you come in. Laszlo and I are willing to risk our very sanity for your amusement! We will each put in $50 bucks. That leaves $250 for you to donate. Here is a PayPal button:

What you get if we raise the money:

* We have to watch every single damned episode of Dark Shadows.

* We must try to do this before the end of 2015. We will do our best but there are 1,225 episodes so, you know, we may be a few weeks off target.

* I will write up every single season. Not every episode but at the end of each season watched I will write a review/article about it. Laszlo may also do his own article, but I will promise mine.

* The ability to ask me, at any time, what episode we’re on and get an answer, right then, with Season and Episode number, so that you can feel good about torturing me.

What we get if you donate money:

* Pain. Frustration. The requirement of watching 1,225 episodes of Dark Shadows.

Other Considerations

How long do we have to raise the money? 24 hours. If by 10AM on November 29th there is not the full amount, then we move on to some other thing to watch and hate ourselves for. Also the PayPal buttons are removed then.

What if we don’t raise quite enough money? Well, we will buy some horrible TV show or movies that we will then review and be tortured by. Choices will be made and maybe a run-off vote will be had should this come to pass.

What if the sale ends and the money is raised but now it is $250 dollars short? See the above. Basically you are ensuring we will torture ourselves watching something, we are just all “hoping” it is Dark Shadows.

Here is the PayPal button again:

THIS SPACE IS RESERVED FOR DONATION STATUS:

Current Status: Around 1/5 of the way there, God help us.

Captain KITT

November 16, 2012 wtf?! 2 comments

And here is David Hasslehoff dressed as Captain Hook sitting awkwardly on K.I.T.T. No, I don’t know why.

Amelia Cole and the Box Full of Wrenches

October 23, 2012 comics, wtf?! 6 comments

There are times you do things because, well, you can. This is a story about one of those times.

Amelia Cole and the Unknown World is a dear, dear, project to all of us who work on it. From myself, to D.J. Kirkbride, to Nick Brokenshire to Rachel Deering – we are a team. We each put in our best work and refuse to settle for anything that isn’t right for the book. It’s special to us. I know, for me, that this book is the first ongoing I’ve really been involved with.

And so I realized I wanted to commemorate it with the rest of the team. We needed something… something that would mean a lot to each of us. There could have been t-shirts – a lot of people do t-shirts. Staff shirts or something along those lines, I mean. Totally could have happened. But anyone could do staff shirts.

Which is when I had the idea.

Amelia uses a rather unique wand in the book. It’s a bright red pipe wrench. Well… we have pipe wrenches here in the real world, too! So off to Amazon I went where I placed an order for a bunch of pipe wrenches. I’m fairly sure that ended up with me on a watch list of some sort. No one just orders a handful of solid iron pipe wrenches out of the blue, right?

But just sending a random wrench felt more like… I don’t know, some kind of late 70′s Bronson thriller threat. “I’m'a get chu, wit this wrench!” it would feel like, as people opened boxes with wrenches in them. So I thought “I know, I’ll make a stencil and paint the logo of the book on it!”

This was a great idea except for reality. Because you see wrenches don’t have huge heads and tiny tiny stencils of curvy letters being cut out by hand are sort of… Laura helped and she tried and there’s this problem with reality again. If instead I could have had a laser programmed to etch it, or cut out the stencil maybe them. Maybe.

Really though the paint would have slopped and it would’ve looked like crap anyway.

So, instead, being my savior yet again, Laura offered to hand do the logo lettering with a paint pen. And she did. Beautifully.

And then they went in the mail and we waited. See, Rachel could get hers at NYCC and D.J. is just over in L.A. but Nick is on another continent so I got the others to agree to not mention the wrenches until Nick got his. He got it today. Then he called me crazy.

Oh, you want to see the wrenches, don’t you. Right! Here you go:
Read more

Mural from Hell

September 10, 2012 wtf?! No comments

This weekend at Baltimore Comic Con I found the single scariest thing in Baltimore. Well, for now. Still. There was this mural up in the convention center, over the Starbucks on the third floor. And this shit was not right.

Here it is then:


(click for larger)

My favorite thing about this painting is that everyone I discussed it with agreed on the details. That almost never happens. So here then is our collective interpretation:

  • The gnome in the middle has enslaved all the children.

  • The kid putting the sailboat in the water has been told he will be killed if he gets the sail wet. That kid next to him is the enforcer for it. Note the other sailboat nearby – the property of the last kid who screwed up.

  • In the background from the sailboat kid is Abe Saipien’s relative, in a sunhat.

  • The guy on the horse hates this town, but has to sell his fruit. He also gilds his horse’s saddle though no one rides the horse. It’s a metaphor for the death of innocence.

  • His horse has a broken front leg and a broken back leg. Seriously, how is that bending outside of the area of the wheel? Jesus, get a doctor.

  • On the other side of the fountain you have the meth addict washing his hands, like Lady Macbeth. He only wishes his sins were that easy to wash away, but he’s seen things.

  • The girl on roller skates has shanked seven customers so far this month. She offers tours of the city. Don’t take them. She hopes to overthrow the gnome someday, but not to set the children free. She just wants power.

  • The gnome is a music fan and teleported this next girl from 1986 to be his personal Sheila E. She’s, surprisingly, al right with it.

  • Giant. Crabs.

Now at either end I cut off bits of the picture. To the far right there was a guy with such bad perspective that even the fruit he lifted over his head couldn’t hit him. To the left there was a fish vendor selling what seemed to be a giant fish made of two fishes glued together, puking up a third fish. Also note in the background on the left, the laughing jester face floating in air to the left of the factory. That’s a factory of the damned. It mints tarnished souls. Sells them for retail.

Anyway, so yes, this painting, easily eight feet wide, hung over the Starbucks. Want coffee? Stare at this shit first.

Then decide how badly you need caffeine, and what you’re willing to pay for it – in the currency of sanity.

Linked In Regardless of Desire

July 24, 2012 brainmeats, wtf?! 3 comments

So this is all true and how my experience with LinkedIn has gone, up through today.

Day 1
Used LinkedIn today. Don’t know why or what it is for. Seems to mostly be for using LinkedIn so other people can use LinkedIn to use LinkedIn and to add me so we all use LinkedIn. The recursion is potentially dangerous.

Day 5
Got another request today from someone. Still unclear as to why.

Day 102
Forgot I had a LinkedIn account until yet another person asked me to verify I knew them. Why does telling this specific website that yes, I knew this person, improve anyone’s day? Were they unsure if I would admit to knowing them, before this? I am now suspicious of everyone I know who ends up in LinkedIn. Including myself. What are our motives here? What is the end game?

Day 309
If I keep using LinkedIn someone will love me. No! No! Must resist the horror! Every time I get a request I have to try and find my password for the site. Still have no idea why it exists. These people, once considered my friends, now go into a new list, a new category, by simply sending me these requests. They become The Other to me. The strange person who, I have to assume, has a use for LinkedIn. Why won’t they speak of it? Why am I being excluded? What have I done? What can I do? How much longer must I be… alone?

Day 514 June 6th, 2012
LinkedIn was hacked. They told me I should change my password. I have used this as an excuse to escape. I have marked my account to be deleted and now they can not control me anymore! I am free!

June 8th, 2012
Huh. Got new mail from LinkedIn telling me what my so-called friends were up to. Must take a day to work out of the system. Or two. That’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. I’m all right. I’m free.

June 16th, 2012
New mail from LinkedIn. That’s not right. I was free! Damn it! I was free! Well, fine. I’ll go tell them to stop. I can unsubscribe. I must just be stuck on a list. Wait, what? This says my account is “Restricted.” No, there should be no account. I deleted it. But it won’t let me unsub from the list because I can’t log in to verify my account. Because I deleted it. No. This is not right in any way.

June 23rd, 2012
Well. Still getting mail. I’ll be polite and mail support about it. “I have requested an account deletion, and yet am listed as Restricted and am stuck on a mailing list. Could you please assist me with ensuring my account is wiped and I get no more mail? Thanks!” That’ll do it.

June 29th, 2012
Just got a new request from LinkedIn by someone who found my account. Still haven’t heard back. This isn’t right. Not at all. Let me go, LinkedIn! I will not make any deals with you. I’ve resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.

July 8th, 2012
Contacted support again. Nicely. Against my better judgment. Did it after I got another email from them and ran into the same Restricted Account nonsense trying to get away from them. Am now half-convinced LinkedIn will never let me go. Once Linked, always Linked. True purpose of site revealed: Drive humans crazy.

June 24th, 2012
Was a while without mail, and no contact from support. Considered matter quietly dealt with. Was wrong. Two mails and a request today from LinkedIn. Contacted support again. Sent the following: “I asked you to delete my account. Instead I still get mail from you guys and it says my account is restricted so that I can’t even shut the mails off. CAN YOU FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK DELETE MY FUCKING ACCOUNT?” Have developed Pavlovian twitch when I see new mail from LinkedIn. Want to cry, or punch beautiful things in order to ruin them, as I feel ruined by LinkedIn. I await response but am not hopeful. Soon, I will die here, alone. LinkedIn despite myself. And my soul shall crumble and the walls of Jericho shall… No! I will persevere! I will be strong! I… will… be one with the Linked and my deliver unto them my soul. I will… No! No! Not yet, Lord! Not! Yet!

The Punch-Up Puppet Show

February 29, 2012 comics, movies, wtf?! 2 comments

There’s a webcomic called Punch-Up that I really enjoy. I’m also lucky enough to know the guy who writes it, and so one day I jokingly said “I’m gonna do a puppet show based on this comic.” Except this being me, once I said it I felt I had to do it.

Well, Laszlo and Laura were both around and we decided to make it a group project. I was going to write a script but then we decided to just wing it and have some fun. The resulting effort has, pretty much, nothing at all, in any way, to do with Punch-Up. The only connection is the main character is called Patrick and he gets into fights for money. That’s it. Everything else is what happens when you put the three of us in a situation involving socks on our hands and a camera rolling.

We may need help.

Regardless! I present to you – The Punch-Up Puppet Show:

Poor Ubuntu

February 22, 2012 wtf?! No comments

Ubuntu, that great desktop linux version, is releasing a version of itself for android phones. Basically when you dock your phone it will let you boot your machine into Ubuntu and share the same contracts, data and so on that are on your phone. Email, bookmarks, etc – all will be on your desktop when you dock your phone, and the OS itself will live on your phone.

It’s a really interesting and nifty idea. From the site (http://www.ubuntu.com/devices/android):

Ubuntu for Android is a complete desktop with a full range of desktop applications including office, web browsing, email, media and messaging. Personal information like contacts, calendars, photo galleries and music can be accessed from both the phone and the desktop interface. SMS texts arrive on your desktop if you are docked when they show up, and calls are handled like VoIP if you want to stay working while you chat. Ubuntu for Android brings the desktop world together with the phone world, seamlessly.

But that isn’t why I Am here today. No, folks, as great as this is, there is something even better going on – on that same page!

At the bottom (and thanks to Laszlo for pointing it out) is a banner to let you “get in touch.” Sadly it looks like this:

Yup. They Goatse’d themselves. They totally did. Those poor bastards. I don’t want to get in touch with their ass. I don’t. At all.

…and if you don’t know what Goatse is well, here’s Wikipedia because I am (just barely) nice enough to link you to that instead of the actual site.

Ubuntu on phone! Your phone is also your desktop! Our asses can fit both easily! Yeah. Oy.

FREE SPERM FROM THE INTERNETS!

January 13, 2012 news, wtf?! 3 comments

Turns out there’s a small but growing movement of finding sperm donors on Craigslist.

Now look. Fertility clinics are expensive. I get that. It’s fucked up and a rough bit of business. But turning to guys offering free sperm on Craigslist isn’t going to ever be the way to go. Come on!

I don’t tend to trust things on Craigslist if I’m expected to pay for them. Think of how many times you get someone offering a good deal who has wrapped a brick in a box, or some shit like that. And that’s for money! Think of what they do for freesies!

Free couch – with a side of Ebola.

Free guitar – licked by Satan.

Free shoes – cut off a hobo by seller.

So now let us consider what could possibly ever in the world go wrong with free sperm from the internet. Christ. Just listen to that phrase:

Hey, want some sperm provided by the internet, free of charge?

If you read that and thought “Yes, yes I do,” I have nothing else to say to you. Please exit through the padded room.

Because, seriously, what the ever-loving fuck! Would you let some stranger impregnate you? Because that’s what you’re doing. This isn’t even with the basic screening for health issues and generally whack-a-doodle-doo the fertility clinics do. This is just finding a stranger and going “Put one in me!” Sure this way you don’t have to have sex with that stranger, it isn’t like they’re offering to inseminate you the old fashioned way. They aren’t kooks, they’re just offering a free alternative to fertility clinics.

Back alley sperm donors. Wait, no, that sounds worse yet.

This shit is an episode of some SVU/ DVR/TBA/NBA/DERP/CSI show waiting to happen. Ripped, drippingly, from the headlines!

(Thanks to Gina for pointing this all out and to Cafemom for the clips)

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