The University of Michigan takes masturbation seriously. Quite seriously. They hung this official sign in a men’s dorm bathroom:

Now, looking at that sign I have to wonder a few things:

Honor Code Violation? Really? Huh. When I see “honor code” I think samurai. So now I am imagining someone having to either commit seppuku because of shower masturbation, or, alternatively, shaming their family for generations.

The pipes are not capable of handle semen. What? They can handle water at speed, soap scum, random hair but semen will destroy these pipes? Is Superman jerking off at U of M? Are U of M students so virile that their semen obliterates metal pipe work with a fleeting touch? If that’s the case, think how much more powerful everyone at U of M must be to deal with having sex, ever. They’re Nietzsche’s wet dream. All jokes intended there.

Finally – semen costs run into the thousands every year. I want to see this spreadsheet. The line item in the budget. The meetings to discuss this!

Guys, I love this sign, so much. SO MUCH!

Thanks to the A-Team trailer (see prev post) I have coined a new term. At the end of the trailer, a plane explodes. Out of this exploding plane falls a tank, which deploys parachutes. While falling, the tank proceeds to shoot down the plane that shot down the plane the tank was first in. Got that?

That, my friends, is what we shall now refer to as an:

ACTION TURDUCKEN – An action sequence that has so many nested, moving parts it can only been seen, and not believed, explained or understood.

An example of use: “That scene, with the tank shooting the plane that shot the plane that had the tank in the first place? That might be this years greatest Action Turducken!” or “In my spec script I have an Action Turducken to amuse and to raise the FX budget. It lasts 25 minutes and features every car in Paraguay.”

You are welcome, planet.

Have a nice night:

It seems the folks over at Calgary Cosplay make custom hoodies. They’ll make you a Pikachu hoodie, or a (Other Pokemon I can’t name) hoodie, or whatever. Some of these custom hoodies go for $150 bucks and up.

Of course Pokemon aren’t all they do. Megaman, for example. And, you know, Pedobear.

Nope. Not joking. $175 bucks for your very own custom, hand made, Pedobear hoodie.

I can’t see anyone wearing that and having it end up well. Unless it was a Pedoflashmob. That might work out. But short of that? No. Just… no.

So Tara Reid is in Playboy. This is only interesting because she has had some horrible plastic surgery mishaps over the years. I mean truly terrible things that make you feel bad for her. Not that she was horribly disfigured and such but on an actress (even one who generally can’t act) they can stop her from getting work if she needs to do nude scenes, or even swimsuit scenes. And well, when you’re Tara Reid you gotta figure one of the two will happen.

So she decided to do Playboy. And it was going to be interesting because they would have to airbrush her so heavily, in order to show “the real her” as she claims, that everyone knew she would end up looking like a doll you buy at K-Mart. What we didn’t count on, however, was that she would also look like a fucking goddamned alien!

She has come to your planet, human, to try and understand your odd ways. She does not understand them. Does not … compute. Please to speak clearly. Help. Help. Help.

She also looks like an alien Real Doll, mind you. Below the jump I’ll post the full picture, obviously there is some nudity in it, but it amazes me, even knowing they would, how much and how heavy handed the airbrushing was. This might not even be air brushing. This might be Tussard’s wax figure stolen. Or, again, an alien Real Doll. Seriously. What she doesn’t do is look human, at all. Anywhere.

It’s fucking creepy. It’s like Geiger tried working with human shapes. Gah.

Anyway, here it is:
Read the rest of this entry »

(via lots of places but right now Commercial Appeal) Arlington mayor fires at Obama online.

In the opinion of Arlington Mayor Russell Wiseman, President Barack Obama’s speech on Tuesday night on the war in Afghanistan was deliberately timed to block the Christian message of the “Peanuts” television Christmas special.

Wiseman made the statements on his Facebook page, where he declared Obama to be a Muslim. Only people on Wiseman’s “friend’s list” had access to the post. He has more than 1,600 friends on Facebook.

“Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch ‘The Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ and our muslim president is there, what a load…..try to convince me that wasn’t done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it….w…hen the answer should simply be ‘yes’….”

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Wait. What?

Yeah. So this guy goes on to be all “Well I posted it online and it wasn’t public,” because he still thinks that no one would ever send that shit anywhere. I don’t care, if you post something online, even private, it can get out. But let’s move away from that and back to the “holy fuck sticks what the fuck just happened” of the situation. Can you imagine what this guy thinks happened?

Obama is in the Oval Office, contemplating what to do. Then he has an idea. The easiest way to destroy the morale and religious center of this country, since the country is so obviously only Christian and since Obama is obviously Muslim (except it isn’t and he isn’t but why bother with facts?), is to thwart the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Without that, why, we’ll just all turn into pinko commie bastards, I suppose.

First of all, best, pettiest abuse of power ever! Secondly, seriously? The fucking Peanuts special matters that much? Now, if Obama gave a speech and managed to take every airing of It’s A Wonderful Life out, every one for the entire season, I might think he was up to something.

And just think! This paranoid, raving lunatic is in office! Hooray!

So you know how people redub video and it never syncs right? Well this time it does. Why? Because the people doing this made sure to say things that matched the characters movements. Of course, those were random things that happened to fit… this is one of the strangest videos ever. Star Trek: TNG with random sentences. Somehow I find it hysterical.

Wait, did Kool-Aid Man just kill those kids? Hooray! They cheer! Hooray! They have air helmets but not space suits! Hooray for death!

And how did Kool-Aid Man get into space in the first place? Why haven’t his liquid guts frozen or evaporated in space? Why does he carry a smaller jug of his own guts with him everywhere? Is that Kool-Aid Baby? Is it?

I mean how is Kool-Aid man coming into the space ship at all? Bursting through the wall, unanchored, he would shoot right back out when the air went. Wooers! Oh, yeaahh! Oh, Noooo!

I also love the little girl. The boy is cheering and excited because Kool-Aid Man will kill them all save them. The girl points at the Thirsties, mocking them. She knows they will soon be tossed into space and die. She knows and she laughs.

Doesn’t matter though. Her pointing is useless. She’s going out the big hole to die as well. Kool-Aid Man sucks.

So here’s the deal. My publisher and I were discussing possible contests. We like contests. And one thing led to another and here we are with a copy of the Complete Farscape on DVD on its way. A copy we’re going to give away to one of you.

What’s Farscape?
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John Crichton. Astronaut. Flung through a wormhole and lost in a galaxy far from home. He finds himself in the middle of a prison break, surrounded by hostile aliens, soaring through space inside a glorious living space ship called Moya. Hunted by the relentless Peacekeepers, he allies himself with his unimaginably alien fellow refugees and searches for a way home.

So begins the epic sci-fi classic Farscape. A fusion of live action, state-of-the-art puppetry, prosthetics and CGI, Farscape features mind-boggling alien life forms, dazzling special effects, edge-of-your-seat thrills, irreverent humor and unforgettable characters — all brought to life by the creative minds at Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. No wonder it’s been called the most imaginative sci-fi series in television history.

Here, in time for the series’ tenth anniversary, are all four Farscape seasons, 88 episodes, together for the first time in one epic collection. These are the adventures of Moya’s crew — Crichton, Peacekeeper Aeryn Sun, warrior Ka D’Argo, azure priestess Zhaan, spritely thief Chiana, Dominar Rigel, Pilot and many others. Like Moya herself, this package contains amazing surprises including hours of bonus materials, making-of featurettes, commentaries, interviews, deleted scenes and much more. Prepare for Starburst!
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Here’s how to win it:

I have a book out, Stays Crunchy in Milk. It’s a pop culture road trip, a novel about friendship and growing up. A parable for 30yr olds. Here’s the blurb for the book:
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They were four: Wereberry the strawberry werewolf, Choco-Ra the chocolate mummy, The Creature From the Fruit Lagoon (his friends call him “T.C.”), and Cherrygeist the… well she was a ghost. At least, until she wasn’t. One day, she wasn’t there at all. And then they were three.

Three friends who have sworn to search for her to the ends of the world and beyond – to find and save her.

Through familiar lands to places startling and unknown – across looming castles, endless battlefields and simple brick roads – these three friends will hunt and search and scour every inch. Along the way they’ll have to rely on a whole lot of luck and a little bit of charm, but mostly each other.

A fairy tale for the super-sugar generation, Stays Crunchy in Milk is a road novel packed with 100% of your recommended daily allowance of essential action and adventure. And it’s a delicious part of a nutritious breakfast.
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Here’s what you need to do, now, to get this ball rolling. Follow this link to the book and buy a copy. Take a picture of yourself with the book. Leave the picture, or a link to the picture, as a comment to this entry.

On December 18th we will randomly pick one person and then we will mail out a copy of The Complete Farscape to them! That’s it. Buy a book, take a picture, win a set of DVDs.

And now some fine print: Make sure the email field in your comment is correct, because we will need it to contact you if you win. We will not keep your email address or use it for anything other than winner notification. This whole shebang is only open to residents of the U.S. and Canada, the DVDs will be Region 1 encoded, keep in mind. Henson and A&E have nothing do to with this madness. This contest is sponsored by Creative Guy Press.

EDIT: Contest closed. Ed Hickox has won. Thanks for playing.

No, they’re not kidding. The “Christian side hug” – because “front hugs is sinful.” Yep. Did you know if you hug someone normally you will end up fucking them? NOW YOU KNOW!

Also they’re “Rough riders, filled up with Christ’s love,” if you were curious.

These are the easy rules so pay attention, it’s essential
This ain’t no front hug zone. You ain’t that fly (something).
Stop. And listen. No front hugs and no kissin’.