Poor Ubuntu

Ubuntu, that great desktop linux version, is releasing a version of itself for android phones. Basically when you dock your phone it will let you boot your machine into Ubuntu and share the same contracts, data and so on that are on your phone. Email, bookmarks, etc – all will be on your desktop when you dock your phone, and the OS itself will live on your phone.

It’s a really interesting and nifty idea. From the site (http://www.ubuntu.com/devices/android):

Ubuntu for Android is a complete desktop with a full range of desktop applications including office, web browsing, email, media and messaging. Personal information like contacts, calendars, photo galleries and music can be accessed from both the phone and the desktop interface. SMS texts arrive on your desktop if you are docked when they show up, and calls are handled like VoIP if you want to stay working while you chat. Ubuntu for Android brings the desktop world together with the phone world, seamlessly.

But that isn’t why I Am here today. No, folks, as great as this is, there is something even better going on – on that same page!

At the bottom (and thanks to Laszlo for pointing it out) is a banner to let you “get in touch.” Sadly it looks like this:

Yup. They Goatse’d themselves. They totally did. Those poor bastards. I don’t want to get in touch with their ass. I don’t. At all.

…and if you don’t know what Goatse is well, here’s Wikipedia because I am (just barely) nice enough to link you to that instead of the actual site.

Ubuntu on phone! Your phone is also your desktop! Our asses can fit both easily! Yeah. Oy.

FREE SPERM FROM THE INTERNETS!

Turns out there’s a small but growing movement of finding sperm donors on Craigslist.

Now look. Fertility clinics are expensive. I get that. It’s fucked up and a rough bit of business. But turning to guys offering free sperm on Craigslist isn’t going to ever be the way to go. Come on!

I don’t tend to trust things on Craigslist if I’m expected to pay for them. Think of how many times you get someone offering a good deal who has wrapped a brick in a box, or some shit like that. And that’s for money! Think of what they do for freesies!

Free couch – with a side of Ebola.

Free guitar – licked by Satan.

Free shoes – cut off a hobo by seller.

So now let us consider what could possibly ever in the world go wrong with free sperm from the internet. Christ. Just listen to that phrase:

Hey, want some sperm provided by the internet, free of charge?

If you read that and thought “Yes, yes I do,” I have nothing else to say to you. Please exit through the padded room.

Because, seriously, what the ever-loving fuck! Would you let some stranger impregnate you? Because that’s what you’re doing. This isn’t even with the basic screening for health issues and generally whack-a-doodle-doo the fertility clinics do. This is just finding a stranger and going “Put one in me!” Sure this way you don’t have to have sex with that stranger, it isn’t like they’re offering to inseminate you the old fashioned way. They aren’t kooks, they’re just offering a free alternative to fertility clinics.

Back alley sperm donors. Wait, no, that sounds worse yet.

This shit is an episode of some SVU/ DVR/TBA/NBA/DERP/CSI show waiting to happen. Ripped, drippingly, from the headlines!

(Thanks to Gina for pointing this all out and to Cafemom for the clips)

Lasers. Spines.

There I was, looking at a website, nothing out of the ordinary at all. And I clicked on a link and a new page loaded and there, in the corner, was an ad:

Blah blah blah, back pain, scam, send us money, neck hurts, pain in my ass maybe, who cares, whatever, go fuck yourse… Did you say laser spine?

They wanted me to visit laser spine. Laser. Spine. A spine made out of lasers. A spine that shot lasers. I didn’t know. I ran through a list of possible ideas, each better than the last.

Somewhere around the point where I had decided it was, obviously, referring to a porcupine that would work on your back with all of it’s spines made of tiny lasers like acupressure, I realized I simply could not have read that shit right, at all.

Nope. Read it right. Laser spine. Now I knew I could click, or type the URL in and go visit the sight and see for myself but I also knew that would take the fun out of it.

Because let’s face it – It wouldn’t be anything cool. It’d be, like, some shitty doctor service that got a mail order degree in doctoring and owns a laser pointer. By going I gave up on the imagination. The coolness that came with laser spine.

Laser Spineitude.

Laser Spineosity.

And I didn’t want to give it up yet. I just didn’t. Because:

I still won’t go to their site. But I will still dream about what it could be.

Sherwin-Williams is not subtle.

The Sherwin-Williams logo might be the worst logo ever. Not because it’s ugly or accidently looks like something it isn’t. No it’s horrible because I suspect it looks exactly like they meant it to look. Here, this is the original logo:

Yeah. They sell paint. And they want to cover the Earth. You know, with paint. By selling, I suppose, a lot of paint. See, they’re gonna be the best paint sellers of all… doesn’t that look like blood to you?

I mean it is horrible. That isn’t “we’re gonna sell all the paint” that’s more “buy our paint or the streets will run red with your blood as we correct your purchasing mistakes, fool.”

And so I was inspired to make them a few new slogans:
Continue reading Sherwin-Williams is not subtle.

Graeme McMillan is… Wolverine!

An episode or so ago on Wait, What? Graeme did a bit of a Wolverine impression. This needed video to go with it. Aidan, of course, was game. This is what happened (audio is so not safe for work):

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Triple double

As if crap food wasn’t crap enough we now have Nabisco offering up the Oreo “Triple Double” this summer. Yes, it’s about 1.5 double stuffs. It still isn’t as bad for you as the old Big Stuff was, but they killed that off—probably because it killed too many innocents.

Seriously. Fucking stop. Look, I understand Oreos are filled with crickety crack. I get it, I do. I try not to let them near me often because they just get ‘et. But why do we have to make it worse?

Can’t we, for once in our lives, just say “enough” and stop while we’re behind?

Wait, What? – the video of the podcast

I love podcasts in theory. My problem is I can’t work and listen to them, so I end up just not listening to many on a regular basis. There is one, however, one podcast I listen to every week. I find the time to sit and just listen. That podcast is Wait, What? starring Jeff Lester and Graeme McMillan. I love it.

And so there are times I do things for Wait, What? like make odd art. And then I had an idea. An idea involving puppets. I would work on getting a video made and it would be glorious. So I asked my good friend Aidan Morgan for help. I clipped up some audio and handed it off and he made a video. It was going to be Sifl & Olly but that didn’t work. Which is when Aidan got creative. And by creative I mean drew eyes on butternut squash and added mouths.

This then, is the result. This then, is why you should listen to Wait, What? weekly at either savagecritic.com or via iTunes. Also, if you don’t hear from me again it’s because Jeff and Graeme had me killed for doing this…