With this insanity, I thee wed… Xenu.

What with Tom and Katie getting supposedly married tomorrow I thought a look into their ceremony was in order.

So I looked.

They will be using a form of what is known as the “Traditional Ceremony” in Scientology. It has vows that Hubbard himself wrote in the 50s. Aside from the vows it seems like a perfectly “normal” ceremony.

But the Hubbard stuff… things he has… well here is part of the ceremony. Just a small part, with a line bolded because, oh my. You can find the whole ceremony if you want to but why would you want to? Anyway! On with the show!


Uncover and be still you present here in this, a holy place.

For we today shall marry here this groom and bride and wish them well.


You line of struggling life from eons gone to now for here again your track is sped and winged into a future fate by this a union of a man and bride whose child shall pace a further span of Destiny and Life.


For here shall be no calumny or whispered word against you, man or woman thou for this the union you contract does wipe away all sorrow of the past.
Speak out then now if any man or girl would speak and say here a reason why these two should not be wed.

And silence heard does speak out plain there’s none.

(Groom’s name), do you pledge to take this woman for your lawful wife?


Do you, (groom’s name), make promise here before us all to keep her well or ill?

Do you?


And when she’s older do you then keep her still? Do you?


Now, (groom’s name), girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills: a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat, all caprice if you will but still they need them.

Do you then provide?

Do you?


Hear well, sweet (bride’s name), for promise binds, young men are free and may forget.

Remind him then that you may have necessities and follies, too.

Now, (groom’s name)!


Do you, best man, possess a ring?

(Groom’s name), take it please and, (bride’s name), your hand will he enclasp.

We have it now.



Last night Fezzik, my big dumb cat, was asleep on his cat bed/stand/tree thing. One of those deep pile rug covered things. He was all curled up, in as much as something that large can curl, when suddenly he woke up with a start.

He turned his fuzzy little head to stare at me.

I burst out laughing. My cat had bed face. All the fur on one side of his face was stuck in a rug pattern.


And now I will give you the coolest thing in quite some time.

Are you ready? Because I hope you are ready.

Yeah, so what. Lego blocks. Sure they are in a neet case. But they are Lego blocks, and while cool, not the coolest… What’s that? Oh right.

They’re MAGNETIC Lego blocks!

The backs are magnetic. Magnetic Lego! $14.99 gets you that set of them (14 2×4 bricks in assorted colors) seen here. Go buy Magnetic Lego bricks!

Oh man, how fucking cool is that?

Magnetic! Lego!

Round One – POOP!

How can you not want to bid on the Mortal Kombat toilet seat?

Granted they spelled Kombat ‘Combat’ like losers. And uhmm granted it is a Mortal Kombat toilet seat. But it’s never been used! Also the desc of the item wants you to know that: “This Toilet Seat was designed and created by George Eckersley. He has been creating toilet seats in cental Utah for three years.”

Also one of their suggestions for what to do with it? “Put Kombat in the bathroom” which I know I have been looking for a way to do since… no I haven’t.

After you purchase the Mortal Kombat toilet seat you can probably go find a brand new Contra bidet cover. You know, the spread gun and all. Yeah.

Footnote Update!

It’s that time again! Time for a new update at TheFootnote.net! Not only does this update feature the start of two brand new columns but one of them is an advice column!

Also there is a new:

This update: Frankenstein’s Monster

So there ya go! Letters From Heck, Reality Is What You Make It, Transmissions From My Childhood (about Voltron this time!) and more more more! Also: I review Sirens, S. J. Tucker’s newest CD.

So go forth and read! Because I said so! Because you want to! Because… uhm… you’re sick of looking at porn.


Borat – aka Sacha Baron Cohen – has been attacked after a prank backfired.

The comedian – who created the fake sexist and racist Kazakhstan reporter Borat – approached a man in New York and said: “I like your clothes. Are nice! Please may I buying? I want have sex with it.”

The man didn’t find his comments funny and punched Cohen in the face.

Cohen cried out for help, but his pleas were ignored and he was repeatedly hit.

Fellow British actor Hugh Laurie finally rushed to Cohen’s aid, managing to push the man away and drag the comedian to his feet.

A source told Britain’s The Sun newspaper: “Sacha couldn’t resist playing the fool as Borat, but he picked the wrong person. I guess this guy thought he was being attacked by someone unstable and lashed out. Sacha is very lucky he didn’t get a much worse beating.”

The incident happened after Cohen and Laurie appeared on US TV show ‘Saturday Night Live’.