Monday Morning Mishmash

September 18, 2006 stuff and things No comments

World War Z is the best zombie book I have ever read. I don’t even like reading zombie books, as a general rule. This, though, was fantastic. Well thought out and smart – it is well worth your money.

It’s done as interviews. The narrator interviews a bunch of different people about the zombie war, after the fact. They recount the early days of infections (and the vectors for the spread were nice), the panic when people realized what was going on, how the world responded, what went wrong, right and in-between. He doesn’t treat you like you’re an idiot, not spelling out a bunch of connections and letting you see and find them for yourself.

So go on, now. Enjoy.
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TwoHeaedCat email no longer works. Any of it. Just FYI.
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Aluminum Foil Tape! How great a thing is that? And it’s only $7.99 a roll.

“Aluminum foil tapes are used on seams and joints of fiberglass and aluminum backed duct board. Coated with a rubber based pressure sensitive adhesive, they provide an excellent barrier to vapor and conform to irregular surfaces. Aluminum foil tape may be used for shielding and covering thermal insulation.”

Whatever! It’s Aluminum foil! And tape! In one!

Pterodactyl porn

September 16, 2006 humor, nsfw, porn, wtf?!, YouTubed 2 comments

From Weetanya comes… well shit.

The oddest, strangest porn in a long time. Obviously VERY not safe for work. But to sum it up for you:

Pterodactyl porn.

Seriously. A woman who is fucking a bunch of guys in really shitty Pterodactyl costumes. They flap their little fabric wings a lot while she tries to look like she doesn’t want to laugh. And then the hand puppet comes in. And suddenly it’s a sick Sesame Street moment.

“Look,” the hand puppet Pterodactyl seems to say, “vagina, right there. Can you say vagina? I know that you can.”

But then it looks at the camera and opens its beak and… it looks so offended.

“Why is this woman fucking Pterodactyl half-men creatures,” it cries with its puppet eyes, “when really, she could be cutting her toenails or something? What is wrong with this world? Can’t you help me?”

But we can not help the puppet. We can only watch in shock, and yes awe, as Pterodactyl porn unfolds before us.

Why are Pepperidge Farm cookies good?

September 16, 2006 brainmeats, humor No comments

So I have a box of Milano cookies here. What? Sure it’s 10:30 AM on a Saturday but I’m writing. I needed something to eat. Shut up! That isn’t my point.

This is:

On the side of the box there is a little bit of text.

The Art of the Cookie
by Pepperidge Farm

Begin with a baker’s soul. Seek the finest ingredients. Explore nature’s infinite variety of flavors and textures – sweet, crunchy, rich… oh, and chocolate.

I would argue that the cookies would taste like normal cookies, with chocolate, except for one thing. The taste of the baker’s soul. It adds a certain something, one of those flavors and textures found in nature. I don’t think it’s the crunchy, but it isn’t the sweet or rich either. Obviously it isn’t the chocolate.

So what is the flavor of a baker’s soul?

Well, whatever else it is, it’s also tasty.

Pepperidge Farm – Fresh human souls in every bag.

He-Man, He-Man, He-Man!

September 15, 2006 humor, original writing, talking heads No comments

Hey He-Man, remember that time you tripped and almost fell to your doom?

I’m not He-Man. I am Prince Adam. No relation.

Sure thing, He-Man. So, remember that time? Do ya? That was some great stuff!

I am not He-Man, I tell you! And uhhh no, I don’t… no, no idea what you mean.

The time you tripped and fell! Off a cliff!

That didn’t happen.

ROLL CLIP!


That’s… that’s faked.

Shut it, He-Man.

I’m not He-Man!

He-Man, He-Man, He-Man! HE-MAN!

Shut up!

… she-man.

Grrrrr!

ROLL CLIP!

I really fucking hate you.

He-Man, He-Man, He-Man!

Tom Waits news

September 15, 2006 music No comments

Press release from Anti-Records: The one and only TOM WAITS is set to release a 3CD set titled ORPHANS: BRAWLERS, BAWLERS AND BASTARDS. It’s a wide-ranging collection of 54 songs, including 30 new recordings, equaling over three hours of rare and never-before heard music with a 94 page booklet.

“Orphans are rough and tender tunes. Rhumbas about mermaids, shuffles about trainwrecks, tarantellas about insects, madrigrals about drowning,” says Waits. “Scared, mean, orphans songs of rapture and melancholy. Songs that grew up hard. Songs of dubious origin rescued from cruel fate and now left wanting only to be cared for. Show that you are not afraid and take them home. They don’t bite, they just need attention.”

Each of the three CDs is separately grouped and sub-titled – “Brawlers,” “Bawlers” and “Bastards” – to capture the full spectrum of Waits’ ranging and roving musical styles. “Brawlers” is chock full of raucous blues and full-throated juke joint stomp, “Bawlers” contains Celtic and country ballads, waltzes, lullabies, piano and classic lyrical Waits’ songs, while “Bastards” is filled with experimental music and strange tales.

In addition to the new work, Orphans features a number of tracks finding a home on a Waits’ album for the first time – songs originally recorded for the cinema, the theatre and other projects. They include Waits’ unique interpretations of songs by such extraordinarily diverse talents as The Ramones, Daniel Johnston, Kurt Weill & Bertolt Brecht, Leadbelly, Kerouac and Bukowski.

BRAWLERS
1. Lie To Me 2. LowDown 3. 2:19 4. Fish In The Jailhouse 5. Bottom Of The World 6. Lucinda 7. Ain’t Goin’ Down To The Well 8. Lord I’ve Been Changed 9. Puttin’ On The Dog 10. Road To Peace 11. All The Time 12. The Return Of Jackie and Judy 13. Walk Away 14. Sea Of Love 15. Buzz Fledderjohn 16. Rains On Me

BAWLERS
1. Bend Down The Branches 2. You Can Never Hold Back Spring 3. Long Way Home 4. Widow’s Grove 5. Little Drop Of Poison 6. Shiny Things 7. World Keeps Turning 8. Tell It To Me 9. Never Let Go 10. Fannin Street 11. Little Man 12. It’s Over 13. If I Have To Go 14. Goodnight Irene 15. The Fall Of Troy 16. Take Care Of All My Children 17. Down There By The Train 18. Danny Says 19. Jayne’s Blue Wish 20. Young At Heart

BASTARDS
1. What Keeps Mankind Alive 2. Children’s Story 3. Heigh Ho 4. Army Ants 5. Books Of Moses 6. Bone Chain 7. Two Sisters 8. First Kiss 9. Dog Door 10. Redrum 11. Nirvana 12. Home I’ll Never Be 13. Poor Little Lamb 14. Altar Boy 15. The Pontiac 16. Spidey’s Wild Ride 17. King Kong 18. On The Road

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Personally I note that if nothing else, disc 3 has Heigh Ho, Waits doing a Disney song. I’ve loved it for years upon years and am just glad for it to finally get out to the world like this.

US Release Date: 11/21/2006

Word? Perfect.

September 15, 2006 writing 2 comments

Quote of the day, via today’s Questionable Content: Ten drinks and your next one is go fuck yourself.
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I am currently having an argument over click and drag editing. Which is not actually the argument I am supposed to be having, ya see I kinda ran off in a realm of misunderstanding and found myself discussing something other than what I’d been asked.

But it made me realize. The difference been click and drag editing (you know, you highlight a line and then hold down the mouse button and move it to where you want) and doing a simple cntl-x/cntl-v is huge for me.

I hate mice. I just use cntl commands and I am far faster with them. Do people really just clutch mice to their chests like that, often? Am I some kind of strange throwback to a bygone age when WordPerfect was cool and all blue in DOS?

Man, WordPerfect was cool then.

The Porn heard ’round the world.

September 14, 2006 humor, wtf?! No comments

From EONSEX, which bills itself as the world’s largest adult search engine, I bring you Highlights of the Search by Country for porn.

What? Yes, that’s right. Broken down by country, this is a list of the top search terms used on EONSEX to find porn.

So let’s have a look!

Egypt: spanking, fucking, classic, ron jeremy, spank, interracial, milk, cumshot circus.

Cumshot circus sounds kinda… special, doesn’t it? Doot do-do da-da doot do-do! In the center ring, will the Flying Rambinos leap over… I just can’t even finish it. And the clowns! DEAR GOD THE CLOWNS!

Panama: ass thick, ron jeremy, teen, asia carrera

Write your own Asia Carrera / Panama Canal joke.

France: kyla cole, sybian, anal, kscans, orgasm, ddf, pee, piss, german pee, teen, facesitting, voyeur, hairy, animal, bukkake, cum face, senior, french, granny

German pee? Is German pee somehow better? I don’t know from pee, so I’ll have to stay uninformed I suppose. On the other hand, bukkake, senior, and granny all close up like that worries me.

Jamaica: anime fiction, classic porn, dragonball hentai

Jamaica, more like Japan every day!

Germany: ddf pee, sybian, hairy, ddf, squirt, animal, pee, fully cloth, piss, torture, fisting, scat.

And then we get to the Germans and find that they are also very interested in pee. What is it with you people and pee? Fuck!

Japan: kyla cole, “kyla cole”, creampie, als, easy, vimax pills penis enlargement, lustful, anime, asian bukkake, private com

All right. The Japanese are… a lot of them are searching for penis enlargement. Way to break a stereotype, guys. Also they only want Asian bukkake. Foreign bukkake doesn’t interest them at ALL.

Ireland: girls hunting girls tiffany, japancoeds, meatholes, rape, sandy knight, xl, ashley moore, bignaturals

Remind me to never go to Ireland. Christ. What is “meatholes”? Do the Irish fuck meatloaf? Hamburgers? HAGGIS?

Also, note to the Japanese – Stay at home! A lot of the world wants to fuck you.

United Kingdom: “kyla cole”, abby winters, sybian, pov, milf, squirting, dogging, wifey, british

The British are so cute! WIFEY! Awwwwwwwwwww! That’s just so… gosh darn cute! Freaks.

U.S.A.: sybian, “kyla cole”, ftv, homemade, granny, asian, pov, redhead, mature, milf, m.i.l.f., hentai

Remember Japanese people! Stay home! You will get fucked otherwise! And in America? We’ll fuck your mom and grandmother, too! Seriously! Stay home! Go to Ireland! Sure, they’ll rape you and all, but they would rather fuck meat.

Note: I have no idea who Kyla Cole is but the rest of the world seems utterly fascinated with her.

The careful use of a mobile phone headset.

September 14, 2006 celeb, humor, wtf?! No comments

Leonardo DiCaprio never learned how to wear a phone headset. I mean, it isn’t hard, is it? You stick the ear bud in your ear and you clip the clip part to a shirt, if you want, and then you let the microphone bit dangle.

How is that rocket science? How is that at all, in any way, complex? Even with the mic dangling below your face you can still hear people just fine.

And let me talk directly to those of you who feel the need to pull your handset away from your head, stick the mic bend right against your mouth and shout words at it, before quickly sticking the phone back against your head so that you can hear. You people are fuckwits. Phones haven’t worked like that since before they had dials. It isn’t two cans and a piece of string. It’s a modern god damned phone. Hold it against your head, talk at a normal level, listen, and then hang up and buy your latte.

Fuckers.

Anyway! Back to Leonardo.

No, not:

OR

No, I mean Leonardo, the asshole who wears his phone headset like this:


Come on! He looks like he got caught in a bad wind. Or maybe he was assaulted and just escaped and they tied him up with phone products and he didn’t realize he forgot to free his face. Or possibly it’s Nokia Bondage Porn. I don’t know. All I know is: it ain’t right.

Starscape SG-1

September 12, 2006 humor, YouTubed No comments

So I found this over the weekend (and showed it to some people who then posted it, or better yet at least one who then asked me if I’d seen it, it is worth getting around and around I tell you):

The best 53 seconds of Stargate SG-1 ever. I tried watching the show. I did. I saw Season 1 and thought it was boring. I saw random episodes later and thought they were all boring and then I watched once Browder and Black came on and guess what? Except for Browder and Black being a lot of fun to watch – the rest of the cast is boring, the dialogue is painful and the damn thing is the Exposition Hour. The above clip makes up for a lot, though.

Terror gets soggy in milk.

September 11, 2006 humor No comments

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