(Just for some background here… I was over at Rose Fox’s place and she said “Dear Internets…” and it broke something loose in my brain. Why don’t they have Google Letters, like Penthouse Letters, geek porn letters, basically and well here I am. The first letter also has credit with Rose Fox since she said it first.)

Dear Google,

Tonight I logged onto the Internet without protection. I turned off all scanning: shut down my virus protection, turned off Ad-Aware and flicked Windows Firewall off with a sigh. I had never done anything like that before.

It was so freeing.

I had never felt the Internet around me so purely, untainted and unrestricted. Every url slammed into my browser fast, ActiveX scripts running free all over my hard… spinning… drives. I gasped as my pages faulted and found my hand curled against my neck when an ad popped up on it’s own.

Was it illicit and dangerous? Maybe. Was it freeing and mind-blowing? Oh Gods, yes.

Dear Google,

Just the other night I ordered groceries on-line. I’d done it before, of course, who hasn’t, but this time ended up quite differently. First it was all normal. I put in my order and hit purchase. My credit card worked fine and I got an email confirmation.

But then.

I got mail from Customer Support saying they needed to inspect my order again. I mailed the guy back and we chatted a while, I was just trying to work out what was wrong. He asked for my AIM SN to talk to me off company time, saying he could explain what happened faster that way. I said “Sure”, because what could be the problem, right?

Well it wasn’t long before he stopped telling me about my order and started asking me what I was wearing. I was shocked, but I admit I was also intrigued. He sounded cute. Soon enough… well, I won’t make you blush, Google, but it took me a while to remember how to type with only one hand, and I had to find more batteries.

James Bond in Fuckfinger: An APK Production

In M’s office

M: Well James, it seems Fuckfinger has stolen a nuke and intends to bomb England if we don’t pay him seventeen and a half billion dollars.

Bond: Well for fuck’s sake, cut off his aunt’s tits and mail them to him. That should put a stop to this shit.

M: Bond! We would never…

Bond: And that’s why we have shitrags like Fuckfinger stealing nukes, innit?

Later: In Q’s laboratory

Bond: Right, fix me up with a testicle destabilizer then, we haven’t got all night.

Q: Excuse me Bond? I have a new watch for you. It shoots lasers and has a homing device and it can sonically break glass…

Bond: I can fucking well break glass with a brick, can’t I then? The fuck do I need a 30 grand watch to break a fucking pane of glass with? Fucking watches. Always with the fucking watches, could you crawl up Swatches ass anymore? What next Q? What the fuck next? ‘Oh look here Bond, we have a special today for you, it’s a cock ring that emits concussive explosions’?

Q: I… well … *tosses watch over his shoulder* I have a new car for you.

Bond: Does it turn invisible?

Q: Well yes, and it has lasers…

Bond: Enough with the damned lasers man! Fuck your lasers. I want the car equipped with a big fucking spike on the front.

Q: A… spike.

Bond: So I can spear people at high fucking speed and collect them up. Ought to serve as a warning.

Q: A… spear. Right. Big fucking spear. On the front. No lasers.

Bond: Not a single fucking laser.

Q: No watch?

Bond: No watch.

In a random Casino

Dealer: Sevens win again! *pushes money to Bond*

Bond: Bring me whores and drink!

Later: In Fuckfingers lair after being captured while sleeping off the whores and drink

Fuckfinger: And now Mr. Bond, you die.

Bond: Blow me you used up piece of ass garbage.

Fuckfinger: … what?

Bond: Yeah and suck off the Queen while yer at it too.

Fuckfinger: I…

Bond: Go on, tell me how big your cock is why don’t you, maybe your girl over there will stop laughing if you use a hypnoray to make her think it’s bigger than a baby’s.

Fuckfinger: I’ll kill you.

Bond: Not with that small cock you won’t. Jesus.

Fuckfinger: You can’t talk to me that way! I’ll nuke London!

Bond: Have you been arsed to look at London recently? Who’d be able to tell?

Fuckfinger: You won’t outwit me, Bond…

Bond: I have lasers that can outwit you.

Fuckfinger: Now you…

Bond: Die. Yes, now I fucking well die. How?

Fuckfinger: What?

Bond: How do I die now?

Fuckfinger: Well I have this big tank of water and I’m going to drop you in it, and there’s a timer and…

Bond: What the fuck is this? Adam West’s Batman? Good fuck man. *Bond cuts the ropes that hold him with a knife that spring releases from his crotch and steps over to Fuckfinger* Two to the back of the head, maybe that I could respect.

Fuckfinger: Free? But How?

Bond: And that is your fucking problem right there, exposition. Shut the fuck up man! *Bond knees Fuckfinger in the balls. Twice* Cunt.

Fuckfinger: Ack! I… Erk! I… *vomits* Oh…

Bond: Yeah. Ok. Nuke fucking London huh?

Fuckingfinger: …

Bond: Right. *Bond bends Fuckfinger over and puts his Walther PPK up to his ass, emptying the clip and blowing the top of Fuckfinger’s head off, shooting straight up the man’s ass* For Queen and country and fuck all. Bring me whores and drink!

- Fini -

Fuckpig: The series is brought to you by a grant from the Dear Lord, What Now Foundation. The Dear Lord, What Now Foundation – When it just has to be said and done.

Interior – Fuckpig’s Lair

Dr. Xalarian: So, Fuckpig, I have found your lair at last! Now I can, and will, destroy you!

Fuckpig: Fuck you, motherfucking fucking fuck! Cunt tits shit cock!

Dr. Xalarian: So you say, Fuckpig! So. You. Say. But the world shall be mine!

Fuckpig: Twat knuckles! Ass raping scat clown, eat my testicles with honey.

Dr. Xalarian: Yes, you will be trapped here and *Xalarian brandishes his laser pistol* die!

Fuckpig: Mothersucking sphincter sucker!

*Fuckpig leaps at Xalarian*

Dr. Xalarian: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my SKULL!

*Fuckpig skull fucks Dr. Xalarian until his head is a bleeding gelatinous mass*

Exterior – Suzie’s house, later that day

Suzie: I’m so glad you could join me for tea time, Fuckpig.

Fuckpig: Awww, AIDS rabbit, clit-faced slurp slurp fuuuuuuuck.

Suzie: *giggling Later can we go play on the swings?

Fuckpig: Urine drinking rodeo whore!

Suzie: YAY!