Game of Heathers

I just realized that Heathers, yes the movie, fits really well into Game of Thrones. Yes, really. Think of it like this:

You have Heather Lannister, Heather Baratheon, and Heather Greyjoy and then poor Veronica Stark. Meanwhile everyone is afraid of the new kid Slater Targaryen. Now, I haven’t read ahead or anything but I really hope Veronica blows up King’s Landing.

Also I want to reshoot Heathers with Heather Lannister’s brother Tyrion involved.

But anyway! Yeah. Heather Stark moves to King’s Landing, and she hates it. It’s run by this clique of Heathers. Well, you know how this story goes. Slater is feared, he’s known as Dragon Boy, and hooks up with Ronnie. They manage to accidently kill Heather Baratheon (well Ronnie thinks it’s an accident at first) and now the wheels start to come off.

Also – late in the movie the God of Tits and Wine shows up.

But really, come on, admit this to yourself and to me – Heathers works as Game of Thrones far too well. Which really means that GoT is, quietly, just a teen romance black comedy disguised as something far bigger. But now you’ll never unsee it.

You’re welcome.

S.H.I.E.L.D. – the theme

So with Joss Whedon poised to do a S.H.I.E.L.D. TV show I figgered one good cost saving measure would be to reuse the Firefly theme and just change around the words some. Well, then I thought I’d be helpful, see, and do it for them. So, below, is the new S.H.I.E.L.D. theme:

Take my Cube, remake the land
Take me where only A.I.M. can stand
I don’t care, I’m still free
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

Kill me off, try that tack
Tell them I ain’t comin’ back
Replace me with an LMD
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

Leave my flyin’ car where it lay
It won’t never see another day
Lost clearance, blew the scheme
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

I feel Hydra reaching out
And Zodiac’s song without a doubt
I still hear and I still see
You can’t take Helicarriers from me.

Lost sight of Dum-Dum Dugan
Howlin’ Commandos on the run.
There’s no place I can be
Since I’ve found Nick Fury.

And you can’t take Helicarriers from me.

————

I’m not sorry.

Moves Like Carlton

My friend BriBri is a good guy. He’s just also… well, remember Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Carlton? Yeah. That’s Brian. He’s kinda gooftastic and awkward and got beat up by a little Swiss kid once and… I realized he needed a theme song. So I rewrote one into existance for him.

MOVES LIKE CARLTON

Just buy some new cars
If it feels right
Then Geoffrey can start
IF he feels like
And wash them all day, make it okay
I swear he’ll buff right

Will wanted control
But we waited
I put on a show
Now he’ll see it
He says I’m a kid
My ego is big
I don’t give a shit
And I goes like this

[Chorus]
Take me by the sweater
And I’ll know you
Conseratives don’t drink
But I’ll show you

You want the moves like Carlton
I’ve got the moves like Carlton
I’ve got the mooooooves… like Carlton

I don’t need try to control you
Watch my dancing and I’ll own you

With them the moves like Carlton
I’ve got the moves like Carlton
I’ve got the mooooooves… like Carlton

Chell and the Holograms!

When Jerrica Benton needs help running Starlight Music she finds the aid she needs in the form of a computer left to her by her father. A computer that only wants to help:

Reborn as the hard rocking, science experiment loving Chell, Jerrica uses her new-found abilities and Portal Gun to form a band. A band that is truly, truly, outrageous!

… I… I’m sorry I just couldn’t get the idea of Portal and Jem merging out of my head. I tried. I tried to keep this quiet. But I couldn’t. Forgive me.

Se7en Hands of Fate

I had a startling, horrible, realization on the way to work today. Se7en is a remake of Manos: Hands of Fate. I know, right? Startled me, too.

First of all, of course, the killer is the Master. He has his sins, or his wives if you will, that he needs to protect. He protects them by killing, and worshipping them always moving on to the next in line. He has lost himself to his obsession, and has become consumed with luring people in and moving along his path. These things hold true for both films. Because they’re kinda the same movie.

The Mills family in Se7en replaces Michael and Margaret in Manos. They’re about as useful and at least as whiny. Though, to be fair, Margaret meets a much better end in Manos than Tracy ‘Dick In A Box’ Mills.

The worst part of this is that Morgan Freeman’s Will Somerset is both the Mills child, Debbie, and Torgo. It’s sad, like I said, but unavoidable. He spends a lot of the film advising the Mills, mostly Michael, of danger (like Torgo) but also orders them around (ala Debbie Mills).

Really, Kevin Spacey needed a giant red Hand of Fate robe. That would’ve been extra awesome, but Fincher was trying to hide his influences. I also want to see Morgan Freeman walk down a hallway to the Torgo theme.

It’s the little things, you understand.

A blue box and armor.

It starts with a sound. A sound like a gasping wheezing whale trying to settle in for the night. A heavy sound that grounds itself and cements right into space and time. The sound defines a sense of place, a sense of shape, pulling them all together and huffing and puffing and blowing down reality itself as the faint outlines of a box pulse into view.

Puffing into life the outlines describe a box which then fill in, air seems to pulse in and out, out and in, over and over again. The box has a color: blue. The sort of blue that stands out in your mind when you get old. The color seems to talk of summers gone by, oceans unswum and the hearts of stars never cataloged. Color leeches in between lines and air throbs with the sound.

From nothing comes everything. From emptiness comes a blue box with a flashing white light on top. Dust jumps up from the base, signifying a landing which didn’t happen. There was no drop, simply presence: One second nothing. The next a blue box with air rushing to and fro and dust lifting off the ground.

Thankfully the only sentient beings to see this strange arrival had seen it before. They would not have been moved by the event even if they could have been. And, for the record, they could not have been.

One of the doors to the box swung open with an ancient creak, light spilling from the opening. A foot broke the pure light that spilled against the ground. Down it came, with a sound like thunder. Metal shod and severe, the foot belonged to a leg, also armor clad. Green mixed in, draping and curling in the remnants of the wind. A figure stood in the doorway to the blue box. He reached one metal shod hand up to adjust his bow tie, and then resettled the fez on his head.

Continue reading A blue box and armor.

The Wizard of Evil

I need some blood! And I need new dreams!
I’d like raw power! I just want screams!

We’re off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Evil.
You’ll find he is a bastard of a Wiz! Whose methods are quite medieval.
If ever oh ever a bastard there was The Wizard of Evil is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because.
Because of the horrible, genocidal things he does.
We’re off to see the Wizard. The Wonderful Wizard of Evil!