Robot Rage
(this is from an old collection of humor essays of mine called I Slept With Your Imaginary Friend and I thought I’d put it back up here because it makes me laugh) Robot Rage What the shit is up with Transformers and go-Bots? I mean, aside from the usual nonsense. All right, I have three big issues just this second and they apply to both bunches of robots that are, wouldn’t you know it, in some form of shape-shifting disguise. First of all, all these fucking robots fly all the time. Just in their basic robot forms. They all fly. All the time. No propulsion visible, nothing – nope, they just damn well fly. And yet! And fucking yet, a bunch of them transform into jets or helicopters or some shit. Why? Why the hell would you be all “Hey,…
The truth about Canadian women
My fellow Americans I come to you today with revelations. Recently, a truth was revealed to me, and it is a truth I feel I must share with you all. It is a truth that could, quite possibly, explain everything. You see whereas most mammals have breasts to feed their young, Canadian women are different. I know what you’re thinking: “Impossible! I’ve seen Canadian breasts!” except you haven’t. Think about it. You’ve seen images, movies even, that may contain actresses born in Canada. But those images were digitally changed to keep their secret. Canadian women do not have breasts in the traditional, biological sense we’ve come to know. Instead, due to environmental and sociological forces beyond rational thought, they have donuts, and timbits. Here now I can present you with proof of this astounding fact. Below you will see an…
The new face of war…
The times are changing. G.I. Joe and Cobra have both sufgfered huge losses in funding and recruitment. And now they have… new plans… ——————————— “Hello! You used to know me as Cobra Commander! Yes! I plotted to take over your stupid countries with might and power. Of course I did! Wouldn’t you, if faced with the sort of sniveling weakness you yourselves display? “Sadly there has been a downturn in recruits for my Cobra soldiers. As such I have been forced to reconsider our methods. So I am here today to announce that Cobra will no longer exist. Instead I shall use my army, my weapons and my masterful plans to help you get into the best shape of your life. Organically. Safely. Artistically! “From here on out we are…. YOGA! Yes, so please address me as the Yoga Commander….
Game of Heathers
I just realized that Heathers, yes the movie, fits really well into Game of Thrones. Yes, really. Think of it like this: You have Heather Lannister, Heather Baratheon, and Heather Greyjoy and then poor Veronica Stark. Meanwhile everyone is afraid of the new kid Slater Targaryen. Now, I haven’t read ahead or anything but I really hope Veronica blows up King’s Landing. Also I want to reshoot Heathers with Heather Lannister’s brother Tyrion involved. But anyway! Yeah. Heather Stark moves to King’s Landing, and she hates it. It’s run by this clique of Heathers. Well, you know how this story goes. Slater is feared, he’s known as Dragon Boy, and hooks up with Ronnie. They manage to accidently kill Heather Baratheon (well Ronnie thinks it’s an accident at first) and now the wheels start to come off. Also – late…
‘Twas the Night Before A Freelancer’s Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, Almost no creatures stirred, but the freelancers light didn’t go out. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, The Freelancer wanted to go to bed, but didn’t dare. The children were nestled all snug in their bed, But the Freelancer still has deadlines, instead. Words, art, music and more spilled from his mind, And the night stretched out long, the day far behind. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The Freelancer didn’t stir, distractions couldn’t matter. Into the house a man did manage to creep, And the Freelancer only yelled, “Shhh, they’re trying to sleep!” It was jolly old Saint Nick who stood in the room, He set down his bag and came into the room. “It’s Christmas Eve, don’t you know?” he asked…
Ä TÄLË ÖF MËTÄL ËÄRTH
Gaändylf the Rocking came down and knocked on the door. Bustling noises could be heard inside and Gaändylf waited, if impatiently. His fingers twisted and flexed, a kickass air guitar solo formed, with his wizardly ways of rock. The door opened, at last, for keeping a Wizard of Rock waiting could be dangerous indeed. Bilbö looked up at his visitor, his old friend who sported a long flowing gray beard, forked down the middle, and eyebrows that came out over the brim of his hat. “Bilbö,” Gaändylf said, “it is good you are home. I have in mind an adventure for you.” “An adventure?” Bilbö exclaimed, patting down all of his pockets, “I haven’t even had Headbanger’s Ball lunch yet!” “Never mind that,” Gaändylf harrumphed impatiently, “let me in so that I can tell you of my idea.” “Very well,”…
Jem! I’m gonna hologram forever…
Shameful realization – I’ve never actually dug into the Jem cartoon here. I mean I’ve created a Scale of One to Jem. I’ve talked about the show some but I’ve never really given it the full on me it deserves. That changes now! Synergy, hit it! Jem was one of those shows that makes much more sense when you’re watching it as a kid than it ever will trying to think about it as an adult. But basically there’s this woman, Jerrica Benton. Why isn’t Jerrica a more popular name? It’s the female form of Jericho, like the “Walls Of” which were torn down by sound – come on that’s clever! Anyway her dad built this hologram thing to be ultra-cool and left it to her and so… Get this – Jerrica runs a music company and uses Synergy, the…
S.H.I.E.L.D. – the theme
So with Joss Whedon poised to do a S.H.I.E.L.D. TV show I figgered one good cost saving measure would be to reuse the Firefly theme and just change around the words some. Well, then I thought I’d be helpful, see, and do it for them. So, below, is the new S.H.I.E.L.D. theme: Take my Cube, remake the land Take me where only A.I.M. can stand I don’t care, I’m still free You can’t take Helicarriers from me. Kill me off, try that tack Tell them I ain’t comin’ back Replace me with an LMD You can’t take Helicarriers from me. Leave my flyin’ car where it lay It won’t never see another day Lost clearance, blew the scheme You can’t take Helicarriers from me. I feel Hydra reaching out And Zodiac’s song without a doubt I still hear and I…