Thundercats

Been thinking about the Thundercats. Well, all right, last night while in bed, drifting off to sleep, I had a few thoughts about the Thundercats. That happens more often than I care to admit. I’ll be there, trying to sleep, when suddenly a bit of strange pop culture crap will occur to me and I will be forced to lay there – wide awake for another hour – and think about it.
Then I bring it to you. That’s the deal.

So the Thundercats. Their planet dies and so they get a fleet together (A ThunderFleet, ‘natch) and leave for “This Third Earth.” Which implies that they live on the second, doesn’t it? They might call it Thundera but where are these other two Earths? Sneaky bitches, hiding Earths.

Anyway, they go and the bad mutants of… this hurts… Plun-Darr destroy the fleet, except for like… one ship? And that one ship has seven of their race (one of whom dies kinda instantly if I remember right, poor Jaga) and one strange creature by the name of Snarf.

That’s it. Their entire race is wiped out except for six guys who have one grown female and one teenage female and… well they’re pretty much fucked, aren’t they? And yes, later on they meet three other Thundercats who survived, bringing their genetic pool to a total of nine people (and one Snarf-thing). I can tell you how the last episode goes:

They die the fuck out.

I mean, that’s it. They fight the good fight, taking on the evil mummy and eventually defeating him. They bring some short-lived peace to their adopted home. They rule the planet. Then, one by one, they get old and die. Maybe a new Thundercat is born, here or there, but rather damn quickly they’re gone.

The show really couldn’t have gone on too many seasons, could it? Lion-o’s Prostate Problem isn’t a great episode.

Snarf, by the way, is a member of a servant race of the Thundercats. No shit. Wikipedia notes: “Snarfs are the only creatures in the universe incapable of evil,” and I have to wonder about that. If you looked like a version of Alf that someone sculpted out of wet putty, how much evil could you commit? Little lumpy dude was too small, immobile, and, frankly, stupid to do much harm. Incapable of evil.

But let’s talk about the Thundercats’ fearless leader for a second. He had a sword. The Sword of Omens, in fact. Why was it called that? It wasn’t ominous. It wasn’t an omen. Even if you stretch and go “Seeing it was an omen for his enemies that…” oh shut the fuck up. He had a sword.
Now this sword was kinda special. It started off dagger sized. It fit inside this big gauntlet thing he wore and then he would whip it out (cutting the holy fuck out of his forearm each and every time, I think) and would then menace the world with… a dagger.

Of Omens.

No, this thing would grow to full sword size. Now that might sound badass to some of you. “Look,” you’re saying, “it’s a dagger and a sword and it shrinks so you can conceal it and…” and I tell you to hold up and wait for the punch line.

It only grew when Lion-o shouted, really loudly, “Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats! Hoooooooooo!” It would then also throw a fucking batsignal into the sky. Yes. He would yell, the sword would grow, kinda slowly, and then shine a big fucking spotlight with the Thundercats logo into the sky. Each of his people’s eyes would glow and they would come find him.

OK. Sure.

So it grew to full size slowly, needed him to stop and shout shit, and also always cast a big light. Yeah, this is my weapon of choice. No, really. Could it be more unhelpful? “Hold on, big bad mutant-guy-thing! I just have to shout and then wait while this… you know what, fuck it, lemme take one of those laser rifles you carry and just shoot you in the fucking face with it!” Never mind, what if Lion-o needs the sword for something innocent?

He has to cut down a tree. A dagger won’t do it. “Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats! Hoooooooooo!” All his friends come running, a searchlight brightens the sky, everything goes off at once. Bitch wanted some logs for the fire. This didn’t need a team effort. But that sword, man, it don’t do subtle, OK?

And what about back on ol’ Thundera? When there were millions of these fools running around? The sword seems to make everyone’s eyes glow. Can you imagine how pissed off you would get if every time the King went out to hunt and was about to kill a motherfuckin’ duck your eyes lit up, the sky darkened, spotlights cast across the sky and you had this urge to run to his side, interrupting whatever you were doing?

You know what I would’ve done?

I would’ve told the King that the planet was going to explode, got him and a few of his friends on a ship, hired some dudes to attack them and make them think everyone else got killed, and be done with them!

I’m just saying. Thundera? Perfectly fine. Probably a moon of Krypton (talk about the greatest April Fools’ joke ever. Oh, man, you shoulda seen Jor-El’s face when they were all “Hahahaha and then you sent your kid in a rocket!” Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!) or something.

Still. Thundercats. Huh.

(This is, btw, a piece from a book of humor essays (and a tiny bit of fiction) called I Slept With Your Imaginary Friend that you can still go buy if you want.)